Horoscopes for the week of 7/12

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Cancer (June 22–July 22)
Clear the clutter out of your life, Cancer. You have a heart of gold. You want to help out your family, friends and community. But first: Clear your thoughts of negativity, have a healthy body, mind and spirit. Help heal yourself before helping others. Light some sweetgrass incense this week to bring purity and positivity.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
It’s a week for bold decision making, little lion man. That’s right, tell the cute Chipolte employee you’re in love with him. And while you’re at it, screw the salad bowl and order yourself a damn quesorito! Move out of your parents’ house! Quit your job! Move back into your parents’ house again! Do something, anything!

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Not so innocent anymore. Take pride in your accomplishments and stop worrying about possible shortcomings. You are a full-grown adult man or woman, you can drink beer and take your clothes off in the park like a crazy person.

Libra (September 23–October 23)
Don’t worry about shit Libra.

Scorpio (October 24–November 21)
Let go of the past, Scorpio, it’s only dragging you down. Start a new chapter in your life full of challenges and new adventures.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Peaches are almost in season. You lucky dog, eat some delicious food and laugh. If anyone in your life bugs you, just work past it and ignore their attempts to bring you down. It’s summer, have fun.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Once you mend your relationships, Capricorn, new possibilities will come your way. You can achieve a lot more with the support of others.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You’re a hard worker, Aquarius, and the stars show to keep up the good work. Don’t forget to take time to yourself, though. Even a few hours a day of relaxation can make a big difference.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Monday’s new moon will bring you a boost of confidence to share your creativity to the world. This is your time to shine, the world needs your inspiration and skills.

Aries (March 21–April 19)
Aries, you have a vision. You want to make it happen but you lack inspiration. Go out and be a tourist in your own city—check out the Portland Art Museum, take a serene walk in Forest Park or visit the many delicious food carts Portland offers. This will not only fuel your imagination and dreams, you may just find that special someone to share it with.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Don’t be a dope, they can piss up a rope. That’s right you get Ween lyrics this week. Also watch that video of the cow and goat butting heads where the cow loses. Don’t be that cow, be specific in how you aim that bull head of yours.

Gemini (May 21–June 21)
Suggested movie: The Sixth Sense. You see dead people. I guess make friends with them. Or don’t leave the house. Just kidding, just take some care in your actions and words.

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