How to drink in nondrinking spaces

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Illustration by Lydia Wojack-West

Drinking in nondrinking spaces can be kind of a drag. Like, how are you supposed to get your buzz on if you’re in a place that doesn’t call for that kind of fun? Well, don’t you worry, I got you covered.

Music festivals, libraries, clubs, conventions: All these places would be prime locations to get a little tipsy, yet most of them don’t allow you to bring your own alcoholic beverage, and some don’t permit drinking at all. There has to be a way around that.

Water bottle? Check. Vodka? Check. Kool-Aid packet? Check. If you have a water bottle, even if it’s clear, you can totally pour some vodka in there and spice it up with your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid. But with this method (and all of these methods, frankly) you must be aware of your breath and the stench of the alcoholic beverage you are consuming in secret. I would always have a breath mint on hand, even though alcohol and breath mints don’t really blend. You have to do what you have to do.

If you’re a person with long hair, the classic way to hide your booze is in that long-ass, thick-ass ponytail of yours. Simply start with your hair down, put the bottle of your choice in the middle of your hair and secure it inside with two hairbands (or more, depending on the weight of your drink). Then pull the hair over the bottle to ensure maximum coverage. If you want to make it even more obscure, you could top it off with a bow. Or if you’re too paranoid (or too male), this may call too much attention to your massive pony tail.

This next one is genius if you want to seem like a wholesome person. Acquire a BabyBjörn-style front baby carrier and insert a fake, plastic child. Make a hole at the top of the baby’s head and pour your liquid of choice into the baby (remember to sanitize the baby first). Grab a long straw and insert it into the baby’s head. Cover with a hat. Sneak a couple sips when no one is looking. Now you have a portable drinking device, and people will think you’re a decent human taking your baby to the library to learn! Win-win!

Another idea is to stock up on those little mini fridge bar bottles from the hotel. These are the perfect size to sneak into anywhere. If you have a purse or bag, you could have a secret pocket inside of it, so if your bag does get checked, they won’t see the small little bottle you have hiding in the secret compartment. I suggest cutting a hole in the inside of the fabric between the inner lining to the outer lining. Secure the compartment with some kind of material to make a pocket. These small bottles would also hide in a hat or in your shoe.

Another alternative is to soak some gummy bears in alcohol and have those as a snack. You can munch on them forever! You can also inject strawberries with alcohol; basically anything that can absorb or be injected with alcohol will work. No one will suspect a thing.

Remember, only take these tips if you don’t plan on driving! And whether you’re sneaking drinks in your hair or a baby’s head, happy drinking!

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