Never know where the night’ll go

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Illustration by Aaron Ughoc

Going out for the night? Be prepared

Always be prepared for wherever the night takes you

Most nights, I find it’s easiest to stay at home watching Netflix. When I do go out, I make sure I’m prepared for whatever crazy shit any given night may have in store. Get started by 10 a.m. so you have enough time to gather all these supplies.

Stylish carrying bag

Wear what you may, but I recommend carrying your supplies in a handy backpacking pack. When selecting a pack, I highly recommend making sure it’s a pack versatile enough to not clash with any outfits you may wear. The most important thing is always being prepared, but second, is looking good. Damn good.

So head down to REI and take a look at all those sweet sacks. You’ll want something that says, “I’m ready for anything,” but make sure it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard.

Once you’ve selected a pack, don’t worry about overloading it because most backpacking packs have handy hip-belts to remove some of the weight from your back, better distributing the weight and helping you remain limber should dancing occur.

Get yourself a travel toothbrush. Aurelle makes a sweet TOOB brush that protects your bristles and the handle doubles as a toothpaste dispenser that you can fill with Tom’s or some other natural option, because Portland.

Versatile cooking device

The last thing you want to pick up here is a travel stove. I recommend the PocketRocket stove kit, it’s small so it won’t take up too much precious space in your bag but comes with everything you need from pots and mugs to sporks. Be sure to grab a little can of fuel for it. Most people think this is a waste of time to bring when going to shoot some pool or get your dance on, but just wait until someone cons you into checking out the latest meteor shower. Once you get to the middle of nowhere you’ll realize the last Taco Bell is one hour away. Now you won’t have to worry.

I often hear of people bringing cups of noodles, but why do that when you can bring something wayyyy better. The last time this situation happened to me, my friends told me their stomachs were grumbly. They were skeptical when I told them not to fear, my PocketRocket is here, but after their bellies were filled with Mango Sticky Rice, Pad Thai, and Crème Brulee, their fears subsided and the stars never looked better.

After a meal like that you might want to take a snooze, so prepare for that too. I can’t tell you how happy you’ll feel if you and your date just hitchhiked to Crater Lake but remembered to pack a mummy-style sleeping bag and a pad to protect your back from the harsh pebbles of nature. So be sure to pack two of each to avoid looking like an asshole.

Vital supplies

This is Portland, so you’ll want to bring a raincoat. It might be sunny now but by 3 a.m. it could be a downpour. You’ll also want to bring tons of raincoats for people’s penises too. Keep Portland safe y’all.

Head to Costco where you can find a box of 40 condoms for less than 20 bucks. While there, you might also want to grab a box of tampons so you’re prepared to help out women who may not have planned ahead; as a plus, if anyone has a nosebleed, the absorbent material works great for that too.

After-party ready

On your way home be sure to stop by Freddy’s for after-party supplies. There’s a couple things you’ll need to get so make sure to have this list handy. First, you’ll want to get a box of Franzia, chillable red—there’s no point bringing any products that can’t hang. Also, grab a 36-pack of Rainier for those not wine savvy.

For our under-21 buds and those not boozing, grab four gallons of water; this will also come in handy for cooking that sticky rice. You should also pick up an 18 pack of coke in case people want nonalcoholic bubbles or someone needs a mixer. Unfortunately, coke doesn’t mix well with everything, so you might as well grab orange, pineapple, and cranberry juices. You can’t be over-prepared.

Stop by a liquor store and grab fifths of bourbon, vodka, tequila, gin, rum and scotch, ensuring everybody has something they enjoy.

You might as well grab some tortilla chips and guacamole from Green Zebra; you’ll be everyone’s hero at 2 a.m. after your Uber driver refused to drive you through McDonald’s and it’s gonna be an hour till Postmates brings you Sizzle Pie.

By following these simple steps you can head confidently to karaoke knowing that if anything else happens, you’re ready.

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