Subpar advice: Let’s talk about sex

Subpar Advice from the Sub-basement

56
Illustration by Shannon Kidd

His Closed Eyes writes:

I was very lucky to find a new guy very close to Valentine’s Day, and I thought for a kick I’d make an old-fashioned couch bj part of the whole deal. But he didn’t find it very sexy. The whole time he slung his arm over his eyes like in a really bad porn and, well, he didn’t seem to enjoy himself. Now I’m worried we’re not sexually compatible. Is this relationship over?

Heya Closed Eyes,

Aww, how sweet! An old fashioned couch beej! I tend to like old-fashioneds myself (the drinks that is) when the mood strikes and, well, we do have nostalgia for all the things of yore, don’t we?

I’m glad you were brave enough to take the chance to do something a little fun for Valentine’s Day that wasn’t as pedestrian as it could have been. Too bad the risk didn’t pay off. Whether or not your guy actually enjoyed the event, you’re perceiving it like he didn’t. And perception really makes the world go round.

I don’t know if it would help or hurt your relationship to bring it up. It would be very hard to broach the subject now, even if the event happened just last night. And that’s because sex is a personal thing. I don’t say that to shame, I do just believe it’s a personal act. Even exhibitionism has an element of personal mixed into the erotic because it’s the skin you’re born in. So I do not say personal in a way of shaming.

Since I don’t know for sure how long you and your guy have been together (not long, from how tenuous about it you seem), I want to use this moment as an opportunity to assess the relationship. Not in a pros and cons Leslie Knope sort of way, but more in a reflective Californian yoga sort of way.

Take a breather, just a day. Get out of the city and your own head. Disconnect from your phone and the Facebook. Have a coffee; watch a sunset. And think about what the relationship means to you, does for you. From there, you can decide how you really want to approach this beej and give it some context without well-intentioned naysayers (even just the comment section in your own brain) torpedoing what could be a great partnered future for you.

A little bit of silence can sometimes be your friend.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru

Threesome and Roommates writes:

So I used to have this friend who was a guy, and we used to screw around in this like threesome arrangement. It was all flirty and fun and then it got serious and weird and kind of ended badly. I thought it was amicable and it seemed to be but now I’m getting really trashed on Instagram and I’m not supposed to know about it. This wouldn’t bother me as I have cultivated the image of a cold, hard bitch, but one of the threesome is now getting really friendly with my current roommate. It’s a real bear of a situation. Hit me with your best shot, advice guru.

Heya 3Sum and Friends,

Whoever said threesomes were easy was definitely not sober when they said it. Sex makes a two-person relationship more complicated, so imagine adding a third into the mix? Yikes.
I’m glad that you recognize how complicated these feelings are, and instead of just blurting things out to your roommate or crafting a sharply-worded email that will be rife with the possibility of misinterpretation, you’re actually looking for a thoughtful opinion from someone who isn’t a 45-year-old monogamous woman with three kids at home. (I’m not saying all advice columnists are like that, but there’s like only three dudes that I know of that even give advice and I’m one of them and I’m not great at this…)

All that being said, there’s obviously something at the end of this previous entanglement that was left unsettled. And the problem is that between you getting badmouthed and everything close to home with the roommate, there’s a lot of potential here for collateral damage that includes things blowing up in your face (and not in the fun way).

I think perhaps the greatest piece of advice I have (if everyone involved can handle this, that is) is to let yourself be vulnerable to your roommate. Actually sit down and have a conversation, as honest as you can, about what happened and about your fears and concerns. I’m glad you have the bitch mask, but life is generally not one long Real Housewives episode if you do it right. If you can be brave and open up to your roommate, you might have the power to end this kerfuffle. Because if you come with humility and the other party starts acting crazy at your roommate, you’ve won, and you and your roommate will be safe from the reason the threesome went wrong in the first place.

Sex? Sex isn’t just about the sex you’re having. It’s about the sex you’re not having too.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru

Nervous to the Cervix writes:

I let my current boyfriend have my V-card on our three month anniversary. He was very tender and sweet but wasn’t super big. I did some research afterwards about good positions for lesser endowed guys, but nothing I’ve covertly tried since has gotten me *there* like his tongue has. I’m disappointed that the sex doesn’t match the rest of the relationship. Tell me it’s not hopeless, please.

Heya Nervous,

I wouldn’t say it’s hopeless. What your boyfriend lacks in girth and length, he makes up for with tongue and obvious caring. If the whole point of sex to you was just to get off, you’d be happy with just a tongue and a guy that enjoys giving it. But that’s not all sex is to you, I can read that very clearly.

I think your real question underneath it all is if you should tell your boyfriend how you feel. I can understand your concern too, because we’ve all been brainwashed to accept that a guy has to have very adequate equipment or the relationship can go nowhere, and it’ll end up like that one Sex and the City where Samantha got accused of having a too big vagina. And nobody wants that for you, least of all me.

It’s not going to be easy to broach the subject if you decide to, because guys do get the message of the importance of size being related to prowess, but if you’ve lucked out with a guy who enjoys eating you out, you’ve lucked out well and he might be using it as a way to deal with his shortcomings.

In an ideal world, you’d just buy one of those extender toys that would solve his need to be inside something and your need to have something bigger for you. That is your ideal-world option because that experience is something you can share, including the trip to the adult store or adult catalogue perusal. And a big part of this is sharing because you’re a couple unless one or both of you bails.

Anyway, this is a pivotal moment in your relationship. It’s new, but the honeymoon period is really over now. You’re going to have to start making some grown-up decisions or you’re going to have to bail. Because it won’t get easier. The talks will keep having to happen, and the love will grow or it will wither.

And all that is really set by the precedent you put down after you’ve read this sentence.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here