Top 5 people to dodge at the family holiday party

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Illustration by Shannon Kidd

Ah, yes, the time of year has come for that annual holiday party! But no matter how good the food is, it doesn’t make up for the fact that you will have to dodge several people. Family get-togethers are always the pinnacle of conflict and truly test your skills of invisibility.

Carl and his stupid three-piece suit
To start off, your damn cousin Carl. In his three-piece suit. Who comes to a party in a three-piece suit? It’s probably just to show off the fact that he has a six-figure job. He constantly shows pictures of his kids. They’re five and he’s already sure they will be attending Dartmouth and Yale. You know those people who always brag that their two year old can read at a fifth grade level? That’s Carl. He’s also one of those people who says “24 months old” instead of just “two.” Yea, the worst kind of person. He thinks because he graduated high school one year early, he rules the world.

“Back in my day” Grandpa
But the thing is, he’s not even the worst of them. The “back in my day” Grandpa shows up. He sits in his recliner, watching everyone fiddle on their iPhones and reminisces about the good ol’ days where people would look at each other and actually have a conversation instead of just sending meaningless messages through the “ol’ Twittersphere.”

Yea. The absolute worst. He will see people in their tight skinny jeans and say how men used to have respect for themselves and wear khakis. And god forbid if a girl shows any skin. “Back in my day” Grandpa always has something to say. “What a dog she is!”

Grandma and her horrid pictures
Grandma comes around, wielding her photo album. She is showing everyone the picture of you when you were small in the bath tub. Then she flips the page and there you are, crying with tomato sauce all over your face. Needless to say it doesn’t flatter your features at all. You’re just happy your spouse isn’t around to see these terrible pictures of you. Then grandma seeks out your spouse and shows her a picture of you being born. Then she flips the page to show your shocked spouse a picture of the bed you were conceived on.

The Portland sister
Then there is the Portland sister. She’s a gluten-free vegan wonder. She’s in the kitchen the whole time, making sure everything is kosher and organic. While people are trying to peel potatoes, she asks if they are free range. And god forbid someone use the microwave. “Those are radiation machines, do you want cancer?” All her clothes are made out of hemp. She tries to vape in the house, but “Back in my day” Grandpa kicks her out while sucking down the smoke of his corncob pipe. Portland sister vapes in judgement while talking about how she misses the liberality of Portland and continually tells everyone she’s from Portland and that Bernie Sanders is her hero.

Always disappointed Mother-in-law
Luckily, Portland sister doesn’t impede on you as much as the Always Disappointed Mother-in-Law. She approaches you and asks if you still work at the old retail shop. When you tell her you do, a hard frown appears on her lips, and she tries not to judge, but it is clear in her face. “Have you graduated yet?” You haven’t. She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Is that the hairstyle you want?” “Do you want any kids yet?” You tell her you just ran a marathon for sick children, but then she criticizes you for not finishing first place. There is no pleasing this woman.

The holidays always gather the best of the worst of the family. But that’s why the holidays are a perfect excuse to chug an entire box of wine, all by yourself! Happy drinking!

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