Sexyvents listings

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Illustration by Shannon Kidd

Sexy Featured Events

Tuesday, Feb. 14

A Date With John Waters
8 p.m.
Aladdin Theater
3017 SE Milwaukie Avenue
Fee: $38–115
Look, you don’t want your Valentine’s Day surprise to be boring, do you? You want something unconventional, a little shocking, heaps of naughty? I wouldn’t steer you wrong by saying that “Pope of Trash” John Waters is the way you want to go. His friendly and kitsch aesthetic has conquered the nation since Hairspray brought us the wonderful Divine and Ricki Lake. Enjoy a night of utterly divine filth the likes of which will leave your tongue wagging and your lips moving for years to come. You’re welcome.

Celebration Day!
10 a.m.–4 p.m.
Portland Children’s Museum
Fee: Free (members), $11 (non-members)
Get crafty for your someone special (or let your kids get crafty for you) with a fancy card, some Valentine’s slime, or even a glazed ceramic gift. Family quality time is very sexy: just ask mom.

Cider Tasting
5–8 p.m.
Portland Cider House
3638 SE Hawthorne Boulevard
21+
If adult beverages are more your speed, the Cider House will have a special tasting menu for the evening. They’ll also provide craft material (and glitter!) so you can make your own card for your sweetie. Which is better: a sober or slightly less sober Valentine card? You decide.

Mystery Box Show Valentine’s Special
7 p.m.
Alberta Rose Theatre
3000 NE Alberta Street
Fee: $20–55
21+
If you like your Valentine’s Day a little more queer (or just less G-rated), this event is for you. Storytellers with humor, warmth, and a touch of sex explore Valentine’s Day from all kinds of different walks of life. Don’t you want to hear about a Valentine’s Day from a comedian and adult performer? That’s love right there.

Want to Elope?
3 p.m.
Hip Chicks Do Wine
4510 SE 23rd Avenue
Fee: $20–225
Okay, so if you’re at that phase of your relationship where marriage is on the table but dealing with the wackiness of event planning is not, consider going the extra mile this Valentine’s Day with a dinner and elopement package. Starting with dinner at 25 bucks and adding on from there, you have the power to customize one of the best stories you’ll ever tell your grandkids. They also have a charcuterie board, too, if your idea of true love is just smoked meats on wood.

My Dreamy Valentine Double Feature
7 p.m.
Revolution Hall
1300 SE Stark Street
Join the kind folks at Revolution Hall for a cinematic double feature of When Harry Met Sally (yes, *that* Meg Ryan movie) followed by Wristcutters: A Love Story. Nosh is provided by Martha’s throughout the screenings.

Tony Starlight Valentine’s Day Special
7:30 p.m.
The Tony Starlight Showroom
1125 SE Madison Street
Fee: $30–74
21+
Okay, so unlike my barber, you should be aware up front that even though Tony Starlight sounds like Neil Diamond, he is not Neil Diamond. And normally all he’d do is an evening of Neil Diamond hits. But on this special Valentine’s night, he’s feeling more generous and in the mood. So imagine Neil Diamond singing Barry White.

Hearts on Fire Country Duet Showcase
8 p.m.
Star Theater
13 NW 6th Avenue
21+
Fee: $10–25
This full night of local country duet acts will romance you with a lot of heart, a little bit of twang, and more acoustic guitars than Willie Nelson probably has in a back room somewhere. It’s a pretty full bill that includes the likes of Caleb Klauder and Lewi Longmore Band.

Anti-Valentine’s Day Dance Party
9 p.m.
EastBurn
1800 E Burnside Street
21+
DJ Stupid Cupid invites you to come and dance your cares away while young lovers waste their lives and grooving muscles on each other. Promising an Absolutely Fabulous theme, DJ Stupid Cupid has your back tonight. Door charge is not mentioned, but do bring cash for Valentine’s-themed drinks.

Backdoor Karaoke
9 p.m.
High Water Mark
6800 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard
21+
What says love more than off-key versions of “I Will Always Love You” or “Forever and For Always”? NE Dekum prides itself on this dive bar event hosted by KJ Like. What’s even better, this event is totally free.

Girltopia
9 p.m.
CC Slaughters
219 NW Davis Street
21+
If you think Valentine’s Day is a bit of a sausage fest, enjoy DJ Alicious spinning all your favorite girl friendly and queer dance hints. Get on that crowded dance floor and shake your groove thing baby.

5th Avenue Cinema
510 SW Hall Street
Fee: Free for PSU Students w/ID, other students $4, general admission $5

This weekend’s showtimes:
La mala educación (Bad Education)
Feb. 17, 7 p.m. & 9:30 p.m.
Feb. 18, 7 p.m. & 9:30 p.m.
Feb. 19, 3 p.m.
Pedro Almodóvar, Fele Martínez, Gael García Bernal: What’s not to love? In Sexy Spanish (with slightly less sexy English subtitles). Popcorn, as always, is free for all.

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