Weirdest campus crime reports of 2016

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Illustration by Terra DeHart

Every week the Vanguard reports the Campus Public Safety Office’s daily crime log, and sometimes these reports can be a little absurd. They give insight into the daily struggles of a CPS officer, the crazy shit students have to deal with, and the things that generally happen on the PSU campus that many of us miss. Here are the Vanguard’s favs over the year:

Merry Christmas
Sometime during the evening of Dec. 23, 2015, a student’s car was broken into. The car window was broken and her laundry and Christmas gifts were taken. The gifts included a mustard-yellow Madewell sweater and Star Wars memorabilia.

I guess Darth won this Christmas.

The new Avril
On Dec. 14, CPS officers recognized a male talking on the phone who was known to go by the false name “Avril Lavigne.” Avril was taken into custody after he tried to run away. He had two warrants and had not registered as a sex offender in over a year.

Someone please tell this guy that in Canada the bad girl look doesn’t include sex offenses.

Man punching groin
In June, CPS was approached by a PSU student claiming that, through the west-side window on the first floor of Cramer Hall, she had just seen a male masturbating.

Keep those blinds closed people.

Never turn down a free drink
In July, an art department professor was exiting the building when he noticed a man sitting in the parking lot drinking box wine. When the professor declined the man’s offer of a drink, the man became upset. He had a knife on the ground by the professor’s car, but the professor kicked it away. Then as the professor sat in his car, the man threatened to kill him smashed his right passenger mirror with the knife then turned away to walk toward Dominos.

The professor then exited his car. When the man noticed this, he turned back and began chasing the professor with his knife raised in the air. The professor got back into his car, and the man proceeded to Dominos again, where he demanded that the order he placed earlier be expedited. He flashed his knife again and threatened the staff before leaving with his pizza. He was arrested by Portland Police Bureau.

Hey, maybe he was just hangry?

Theft of footwear
A sentimentally valuable pair of brown Birkenstocks were left unattended on the ninth floor and subsequently stolen. Fliers were posted and the thief eventually returned one, but the other remains lost.

Off-limits
In October, a student reported that someone broke into his 1993 Subaru and stole a messenger bag containing $350 worth of Magic the Gathering cards.

WTF? Have a heart, thief!

Anti-smoking confrontation
A student was walking from Parking Structure 3 while smoking a cigarette, when a white female with short burgundy hair yelled at her for smoking on campus, then poked her and exclaimed that a friend’s “baby died from smoking!”

Dead dolphin
A student reported the odor of rotten eggs outside the Student Research and Teaching Center. CPS contacted Portland Fire Bureau. They did not detect any natural gas leaks, but they did find the decomposing body of a dead dolphin.

Merry Christmas!

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