Shiv to Shank
The Associated Press reported on Monday that the U.S.Administrator to Iraq, L. Paul Bremer would “block” any move byIraq’s interim government to implement “Islamic law” in thehistorically secular nation. When asked why he used the term,”block,” instead of, “veto,” Bremer replied, “Come on people, let’snot confuse this with a real democracy.”
Much like your drunken uncle in a moment of clarity, both Fordand Toyota plan to release the first hybrid SUVs later this year.While the new 2005 hybrid SUV will consume about as much gas asyour average sedan, it will cost four times as much and be able tofit 135 well-placed clowns inside.
This week, college republicans from Roger Williams University inRhode Island have created a $250 scholarship available exclusivelyto white students, in protest of affirmative action. Applicants arerequired to provide an essay detailing “the importance of theirwhite heritage” and a recent, unhooded photograph “to prove theirwhiteness.” This new “white-only” scholarship is not to be confusedwith “white privilege,” which has been keeping white kids inuniversities since Ancient Greece.
On Monday, President Bush gave a full pardon to former Plano,Texas mayor, David McCall. McCall had been sentenced to a five-yearprison term after being convicted of “cooking the books.” Inaddition to being a Texan, McCall is also comatose.
In Queens, N.Y., two 16 year-old boys were caught this week inconnection with the murder and robbery of an 18 year-olddeliveryman for a Chinese restaurant. When asked for comment, NewYork City mayor Michael Bloomberg reflected, “Hmmm…I saw thatepisode of ‘Law and Order.’ But that’s the old, violent cesspoolimage of New York, not the smoke-free, totalitarian,corporate-playground New York, that we’ve all come to know andlove.”
Thirty-one cohabitating, Shakespeare nerds from WellesleyCollege set a world record by reading the unabridged works of theBard in 22 hours and 5 minutes. While they were able to accomplishthis fantastic feat in under 24 hours, they will remain virgins forthe rest of their lives.
