One less truth

Just One Less Thing writes:

I joined Facebook back before just anybody could be on, but now I don’t really even go online anymore. I don’t update statuses, I don’t stalk my exes. I don’t do anything fun with it. I’m pretty available via text message or whatever…is it okay to pull the plug on the book with the faces?

Heya Mr./Ms. Thing,

I wish I could do what you’re doing. But there are a few people I have to stay in touch with that only seem to be available via Facebook, and sometimes it’s the only way to find out about important events. Honestly, though, I do think it’s gotten past its prime. It’s become very Myspacey, and it’s hard to just scroll your newsfeed thanks to all the ads.

(For those who don’t remember Myspace, all social media does tend to eventually go the way of the dodos—but the problem is that we learn to rely on it as a societal crutch and have no idea what to do without it.)

I think Facebook does a lot more harm than good these days, so I say that as long as you have a way to keep in touch with people via email or text or Instagram or whatever, then good for you—if you can quiet that little haunting voice in the back of your head that surely yearns for Uncle Suzy’s approval on that 50th video of your cat playing with a ball of yarn.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru

My Own Truth writes:

I don’t really want to have kids. Ever. And when I was younger I did something to make sure I never would. I’m back in the dating game after ending a long-term relationship with a guy who thought he could handle that. Turns out he couldn’t. Now I’ve started talking with this great new guy who could be a sure thing but I’m worried about bringing it up. What if he really wants kids and it’s a deal breaker?

Heya Own Truth,

Well, if it’s a deal breaker, it’s a deal breaker. I have a real problem with men that want to subjugate women to childbirth just because it makes them feel icky to not let women have their independence. I have a problem with men that think it’s okay to bully others because there’s a “just in case,” as if you don’t know your own mind and aren’t able to actually make decisions for yourself. And I really loathe guys that sit on the fence and try to play both sides so they always end up winning.

Now, I don’t know what this new guy of yours is like. I’ve never met him. But something inside of you (even if it’s just historical evidence) is nervous. And rightfully so. History’s really not on your side here, neither personally nor universally.

The important thing is to actually own the decision you made. I’m not saying have a t-shirt made or business cards printed out, but you have to own it like Cookie from Empire (back when people watched Empire). You need more than anything to be honest with yourself and set a date. That date is the day that you tell him. And then the chips will just have to fall where they may.

Make no excuses for doing what is right for yourself because you made a good choice for yourself and if you respect it, others will too.

Hearts and Stars (and no babies),
Your Advice Guru

A bit of extra advice on this one: Why are people so worried about others reproducing? If this becomes a thing for you, just tell people that if you ever do want kids that you’ll just adopt. And if they yammer on and on about God’s will or give some other asinine argument, just level a stare at them and blink until they slink away uncomfortably. Your body, your choice.

Style Guidance writes:

I was poor growing up. No, seriously. Really poor. Like cut-up hot dogs and green beans for dinner poor. As a result, I worked hard to become a success and I’m one of the few people who has risen above poverty. To this end, I like to dress up for my daily life. I only wear clothes with labels and I couldn’t even imagine stepping into a Goodwill these days. I don’t see it as an issue, but during my last break-up, I was accused of being a phony because of it. Am I phony or do I just have really good taste and men are just intimidated?

Heya Style Guidance,

…Wait. Hot dogs and green beans for dinner wasn’t something normal for every family? Well, you could smack me with a rolled-up newspaper. Congrats on succeeding. I’m sorry people are making you feel like crap.

I get it though, I really do. And I kind of have the same problem now. I’m 30 and I struggle not to buy things at Wal-Mart, because my family couldn’t afford more than 20 bucks for a pair of jeans. Until last year, I’d never had anything tailored to fit me. And steeling myself to buy a nice pair of Aussie Bum swim trunks that I really liked nearly caused me an economic stroke recently.

But honestly? It’s a tough world. And we have to do what we can to survive.

I respect and also wish to project an image of success. I want to wear nice things. There is nothing wrong with that. And if others are intimidated, well they can just go lick a toad for all I care. If you have the means and it’s ecologically responsible and the clothing isn’t being made in some horrible sweatshop, you have nothing to feel bad about.

I’m excited to purchase my first utilikilt and to have some shirts I own tailored. I shouldn’t be as excited as I am to purchase quality things that will last me. I’m not buying five kilts, I don’t need that many. I’m not buying in excess or frivolously. I’m not Shelley Long at the beginning of Troop Beverly Hills.

Don’t ever let anyone shame you for making you feel less than. You dress up, Krystle Carrington. You get ready for your life and your events and you own it, and if a man can’t get a hard-on without dragging you down, honey, he’s a bad man. And you can do better. Granted, this may make dating a little hard for you but honestly if a man is that intimidated, he wasn’t gonna be a good partner to begin with. It wasn’t gonna be worth it.

I say get your own horseback riding lessons.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru