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Campus full of entertainment possibilities

There’s been a lot of hype about how Portland State “doesn’t offer enough entertainment options,” or that “there’s not enough campus life.” Well, if puking in a dorm room is your idea of “campus life,” then maybe this isn’t the campus for you. For the rest of us who thought “American Pie” and its sequel were two of the stupidest movies ever filmed, here are some often overlooked options for your ya-yas. (With apologies to the fine and oft-overlooked music, theater and art departments-ed.)

Where’s Katie?
We all love that Katie Harman. So much, in fact, that we need to know what she’s doing, what she’s wearing, what she’s eating, what kind of boys she likes the most, and how she’s working to make the world safer for humanity (and kittens). If you happen to find our Miss America wearing her tiara, double your points. If she’s wearing pants, give yourself an extra five points. If she’s rescuing a stray cat from Aramark, give yourself 10 more points.

Ain’t nuthin’ like a fresh paper bag
Conveniently located institutions such as Plaid Pantry, 7-Eleven, as well as Chevron and Safeway, offer quite an extensive selection of alcoholic beverages. Your basic Olde English and St. Ide’s can’t be found here, because the city deems them inappropriate downtown.

It’s only “proto-virtuality”
Video games increase your hand-eye coordination and dexterity. Just keep telling yourself that after pumping the last few quarters from your student loan check into that “X-Men” video game in the basement of Smith Center. Just one more game, you tell yourself, as Magneto disintegrates you into proto-electrons and you lose the last remnants of what used to be known as “humanity” and “social interaction.” Thankfully, you still have some plasma left over to donate; you must save Jean-Grey from Magneto’s dirty magnets.

For those about to rock, we rock you
As you may know, bands play in the park at noon every Wednesday and Friday, sponsored by our own Popular Music Board. There are enough people in the park to have mosh pits that Danzig could never even dream of. On any given day, there may be enough juvenile delinquents and homeless people to start a pit on their own, and with enough gentle shoving of complete strangers, a full on mosh pit will grow in no time during the confusion. This will create a unique social setting, as well as a worthwhile physical workout.

Does God really love those from the Synagogue of Satan?

Manic religious preachers are also a constant presence in the park, which opens up a variety of fun activities for you and all your friends. These include: borrowing industrial fans from facilities and attempting blow over their placard signs like ships in a storm, having a staring contest with your favorite god-sent messenger and singing “Hava Nagila” during their sermons.

Get to know your fellow student-athletes

The key to this game is to test your quickness and agility against some of the school’s finest, and to get yourself into shape for that hot liquid green tiger-striped swimsuit you’ve been wanting to look all nasty in all year long. When you see a member of the Portland State athletics department (who are clearly marked with their green and white sweatsuits), sneak up behind them, grab the elastic band on their warm-up pants, pull it back and release. As they roar in surprise and bewilderment, run like Lola, and don’t look back. Best places to hide are the library (athletes are easily confused here), Women’s Resource Center (athletes are exorcised in rituals here) and the Science Building (many other nerds to beat up on here).