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Crazy Town is itching, irritating

Crazy Town and Guests
B Complex
315 S.E. Second
Jan. 14
8 p.m.
Tickets available from Fastixx

WARNING: CRAZY TOWN ARE KNOWN CARRIERS OF STDs and have a history of passing these diseases to their fans through their skanky, skanky music. I don’t mean this to be a “shock” piece or some reactionary “instilling positive moral values through scare tactics” bit. I really don’t, but this is necessary information. People must be informed. The Surgeon General’s warning on your cigarette packet doesn’t say “don’t smoke cigarettes,” it merely points out some possible risks of smoking. The two are similar products, really: damaging merchandise pushed onto youth by heartless corporations. They may feel good for a moment, but the health hazards they pose are worth considering before you indulge.

But forgive me, I’m out of line. I promised facts, and here they are: The most common STD passed through Crazy Town’s music is trichomoniasis, a disease caused by a small organism called trichomonas vaginalis. This disease can be contracted and passed on by both men and women, but women are more seriously affected by its symptoms. While Crazy Town only boasts record sales of 3 million for their debut, The Gift of Game, an estimated 5 million cases of trichomoniasis occur each year. These extra cases are, no doubt, the result of Internet music piracy and interpersonal copying and trading.

As noted before, symptoms can be difficult to spot in men. This is because, while they may have contracted a copy of the record from a previous partner, their feelings toward the group are lukewarm. They often describe the group as “sissy” or compare their sound to “a mild irritation or burning.” Male carriers are often unaware that they are in possession of a dangerous virus until they pass it on to a female partner who, despite the initial pleasure of Crazy Town’s catchy nu-metal-pop, experiences a more acute discomfort, including discharge, itching and irritation.

On their new album, darkhorse, the virus has unfortunately mutated into a more potentially dangerous form that could infect both men and women. Taking a cue from every other ridiculously self-obsessed, angsty nu-metal band on the planet, Crazy Town’s first single, “Drowning,” features the chorus: “Am I drowning? … I am victimized!” This apparent plea for sympathy reveals itself under scrutiny to be a ploy to reign in the male audience of fellow self-pitying rock groups like Hoobastank and koalaPatch, a demographic that was unimpressed with “you’re my butterfly sugar baby” from their 2002 single “Butterfly.” In addition to ditching their turn-tablist DJ A.M. in favor of a more guitar-oriented approach, a touring slot with hard rock juggernauts P.O.D. assisted Crazy Town in creating its new, hard-as-hell image.

While trichomoniasis is a curable disease, it can have very dangerous side effects, including complications during pregnancy and childbirth, as well as increasing a woman’s chance of acquiring HIV. In addition to their regular examination, anyone who has been exposed to Crazy Town’s music should make an appointment with their doctor as soon as possible.

For those who cannot live without a darkhorse fix, I would recommend the brilliant work of Tony Millionaire, available from Darkhorse Press, or even the very silly 1976 solo album by the late George Harrison, Thirty Three and 1/3, released on Darkhorse Records.