Today’s Birthday (August 13).
Today’s the day you’ll finally get your finger out of your nose. Not because anyone told you to, but because you have found a more pleasing orifice. Maybe you’ll find your car keys!
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Drinking wine alone is not, and never will be, a social event. Salut be unto thee, Aries.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – American craftsmanship ain’t what it used to be, especially when it mostly takes place overseas. Ask yourself this: are you still built Ford tough?
Gemini (May 21-June21) – While you may not have a problem being thoroughly right and wrong at the same time, most other people do. So take your left hand out of your pocket (see last week’s horoscope).
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – This week your soft, scrumptious insides, tantalizingly treated with melted butter and a squirt of pulpy lemon, will quiver when you see a photograph of your bony exoskeleton. For questions, see Red Lobster.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Read today’s birthday horoscope; replace the words “finally,” “because,” “found,” and “maybe” with “shut the hell up.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – I’d like you to meditate on why the art of the lap dance is so important to think about. Do this while sitting on your hands.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You can’t put your hand there.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You either (consult Libra and Gemini).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You’re the Rhode Island of astrological signs, which of course means you are neither a real island, nor a road. Discuss.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Arnold Schwarzenegger recently announced that he will run to be Governor of California, while he will most likely succeed, it still doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea. In observance, leave your ‘roids at home.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – It is not, nor has it ever been, your age (consult Sagittarius, Gemini, Leo).
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – The next time you decide to get drunk at 3 o’clock in the morning; break your own goddamn windows. And don’t try to tell me you don’t remember (see today’s birthday).