Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Nov. 5)

Oh great, more sweaters. Thank you, Malaysia.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

If you went to this year’s Fetish Ball, you’ll know that not only is the event now lame and outdated, but that you could have had more fun with a 3 dollar whip from Target and a bottle of shaving cream.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You know that thing that’s been haunting you in your parent’s basement? You know, underneath your dad’s flapper dresses? Yeah, you should revisit it, and possibly burn it like Joe McCarthy would an Arthur Miller play.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Don’t fret Gemini. You’re not stupid, you’re just slow.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Although some people rely on prescription drugs to calm their anxious nerves and quell bad thoughts that creep in through the gateway of the subconcious, the other option is to just never go to sleep. They get you in your dreams, man, they get you in your dreams.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Take time out of your day to learn something new, like how to use a knife and fork. Like the Swedes. Everyone likes them.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

At the beginning of a Sinead O’Connor album she says “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Don’t you love it when pop albums start off with stolen cliches?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Agreeing with someone who is clearly wrong is not merely condescending. It is fun and condescending. Throwing things at them when they aren’t looking can also be fun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You enjoy doing good deeds for people you love. Unfortunately, your definition of “good deed” usually involves crabcake.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Even if you wear Superman pajamas, it is not sanitary to pee in your pants.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I’m sensing there is someone in your family whose name begins with the letter “m.” I’m sensing that this m person has a growth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You have a friend who may or may not have a family member whose name begins with the letter “m.” This person may or may not have a growth of some kind, possibly located near their butt. You should be more sensitive.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know, the biggest problem with being Ghost Dad, is that it’s just very embarassing to eat jello pudding snacks when your skin is clear.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard