Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Nov. 4)

It’s never okay to hold someone captive in your basement. Even if you like them a whole lot.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Just because your mom says you’re a genius, it doesn’t mean it’s so.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If only it were that simple, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Ponies are only for riding and never for feeding to your cat.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Whatever you do, don’t look behind you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Like you know any better.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

No one likes a cynic, but thousands love Benny Hill. That is why the world is a horrible, horrible place.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Winston Churchill once signed a deal with Joseph Stalin and FDR. What have you done recently?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When playing the ancient Chinese board game Go, when a piece is threatened it is said to be in atari, but there is nothing threatening at all about playing your Atari alone on Saturday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Make mine marmalade.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Food poisoning, huh? A likely story.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Most of the time, you feel like no one listens, right? What?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Forecast this!

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard