Today’s Birthday (Nov. 4)
It’s never okay to hold someone captive in your basement. Even if you like them a whole lot.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Just because your mom says you’re a genius, it doesn’t mean it’s so.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If only it were that simple, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Ponies are only for riding and never for feeding to your cat.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Whatever you do, don’t look behind you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Like you know any better.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
No one likes a cynic, but thousands love Benny Hill. That is why the world is a horrible, horrible place.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Winston Churchill once signed a deal with Joseph Stalin and FDR. What have you done recently?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When playing the ancient Chinese board game Go, when a piece is threatened it is said to be in atari, but there is nothing threatening at all about playing your Atari alone on Saturday.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Make mine marmalade.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Food poisoning, huh? A likely story.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Most of the time, you feel like no one listens, right? What?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard