Today’s Birthday (Oct. 31)
You aren’t scary. You never will be. Get over it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
In a world of free pornography and hotmail accounts, your price just doesn’t seem that good, Aries.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Poking oneself in the stomach and saying “tee hee hee” will not get you baked. Even if you wear white facepaint and a chef’s hat.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Like it or not, your fanclub is not, in fact, a fanclub at all, but a collective of creepy 40-year-olds that stalk you on the internet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Just because you like it your way doesn’t make you a perfect spokesperson for Burger King.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
If people sometimes confuse your face with that of a small mouse, don’t be discouraged. There is always plenty of work at the circus.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sometimes it’s fun to mow your lawn in the nude, but it is never safe.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Look around, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
People sometimes refer to you as a slut. But I like to think of you as “my little slut.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Ice-covered swimming pools are not safe, dude.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are not done.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Out of ideas for making money? What about dental surgery?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Bike-thieves of the world unite! And be sure to be in one place so that the rest of us may trap you.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard