Today’s Birthday (Oct. 21)
Some birthdays, it just doesn’t pay to read your horoscope. This is one of those days, Libra.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If there is a large stack of newspapers outside your door, it most likely doesn’t mean that the paper boy has the hots for you, but rather, you’re a dirty slob.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Remember that the “just say no to drugs” campaign is a product of Nancy Reagan.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Maintaining a personal shrine to Beyonc퀌� Knowles does not make you “bootylicious.”
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Sea urchins are known to sting, as is cancer. Think about that, you flog-happy ghoul!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Being the King of Pain didn’t work for Sting, and it won’t work for you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Sometimes it’s good to get out of the house. Sometimes it’s good to disregard your usual personal hygine habits. Never is it a good idea to do both.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
How many times do I have to remind you, just because your name ends with an “ing” does not make you a transitive adverb.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When Ashton Kutcher shows up at your house half-naked with a bottle of Stoli, don’t flatter yourself by thinking he’s there to see you. He probably just forgot where he lived.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
No one will ever “do you proud,” Sagittarius. Not even Vin Diesel.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Farting on cue isn’t a talent, regardless what ABC says about Jimmy Kimmel.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Current scientific research proves that splicing your own DNA with that of a bat would neither give you Daredevil-like sonar abilities, nor viable wings.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You know, there’s probably a reason why no one has ever brought you flowers on your birthday. And that reason is that you are a sonuvabitch.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard