Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 22)

On your most illustrious of celebratory days, this, your birthday, think about this: do turtles ever feel sad?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Without a doubt. You will never be featured on Jennifer Lopez’s talk show.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When you sometimes feel blue, does it feel you back? That might be a sign.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Kicking elves is not a past-time. Because elves are not real.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Be careful, dude. Be careful.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When a roomate moves out, it’s a sad, sad affair. When he takes your pants, it’s even sadder.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

People like to eat candy. Sometimes they like to be candy. How many licks does it take to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, Virgo? The world may never know.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

High-strung hijinks abound in your future, Libra, hijinks that will involve a salamander.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When changing lattitudes, one should never also change attitudes (see Jimmy Buffett).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Call your brother.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Sporting a mullet is not an act of rebellion. Nor is congregating with other mullet-wearers a “social revolution.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What the hell does Ikea mean? I mean, really.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re never getting into my house again, no matter how badly you need to use my fingernail clippers.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard