Today’s Birthday (Oct. 15)
It’s a sad, sad day when even your dog won’t eat your food.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Instead of spending time alone in a bar, try spending time alone with a bar.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Captain Crunch is not part of any of the food groups. Nor is it a sex aid.
Gemini (May 21-June21)
Solace can never be found in your reflection, no matter how pretty you think you are.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Have you ever wondered why Popes have no hair? I know I have.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
CRUNCH BERRIES!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
GO GO VIRGO POWER!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Since when does the game “Patty Cake” involve chocolate syrup and a donkey?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There will be no comeuppence on this day, Scorpio. But beware, dark clouds of comeuppence are on the horizon. And they’re waiting to ask you for a cigarette.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The internet shorthand “LOL” is not a way of life.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Just because they couldn’t drag you into the ocean last time doesn’t mean a wet, wet bout of revenge isn’t waiting for you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Owning an extensive collection of cowboy paraphenalia does not give you bragging rights.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everyone knows that you’re hiding something; what they don’t know is that it’s a man-tail.
-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard