Today’s Birthday (February 24)
Remember that great idea you had last year? Well, you’re not going to do it this year either.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Give up on the new look. No one’s buying it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Start a family.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I hear Taurus is looking to start a family. Hook that up.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Let your brilliance enlighten the masses and make sure you reap the financial benefits.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You should’ve stayed in bed, but since it’s too late, head for McDonald’s
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Selsun Blue. Seriously.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Good karma comes your way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
A former fling, frustrated by your failure to commit, is hiring an expert assassin to ambush you as go to your car tonight.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mmmm…bananas and fudge.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capitalize on the product hinted at by your sign – Capri-sun candy corn. Yummy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Happiness, health, sex and money. At least you can dream.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Make music.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard