Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Dec. 2)

Buy Hilton.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Bush appointed a new ambassador to Saudi Arabia-buy Hunt Oil.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Convert your finances to gold, bury it deep in the ground, and go far, far away.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Holiday season is upon us-buy any sugar- or alcohol-related stocks.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Buy TiVo-the head of the FCC called their product “God’s machine.”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The Senate rejected the Bush/Cheney energy bill-it’s now safe to invest in renewable energy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

However, the Healthy Forests Restoration Act passed. Buy Weyerhaeuser.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

2004 could be an exciting year-buy Boeing, Lockheed, and Raytheon.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Sell anything Oregon-based. Oh, you already did?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sell your used underwear on eBay.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Buy Purdue Pharma. They make OxyContin, an amazingly effective painkiller.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Buy Texas Pacific Group.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sell everything, washout.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard