You are at a crux in you life and you don’t even know it. Just make sure to double-check your latte for spit before you take that first sip.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Being the 500 pound gorilla is a regular thing for you, Aries, but I beg you to reconsider. Let go of the bananas and just go with the flow … let it go … let it go.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are Optimus Prime and Megatron is getting ready to open a can of whoop-ass on your motherboard. Just remember to rely on your Autobot Matrix of Leadship and everything should be just fine.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Gemini, duality is your bag, baby. So don’t feel guilty when you deep-fry that Slim-Fast shake.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t be afraid to use the power that God lovingly gave you. Go out there and wear that Care Bear costume with pride much darling.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Arrogance and vanity are very different beasts, Leo, just like you!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Break out the cardboard and Adidas gear. Live like Turbo and breakdance like you meant it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I suggest you move away from reading Marx and Darwin. Reading Manga and Dr. Strange will rid your soul of those dirty thoughts.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We already know, Scorpio. The jig is up, so just admit it already: X-Files was cancelled a long time ago.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
That carton of milk you left in your head is starting to bear life. You’d better start checking the expiration dates on some of your ideals
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Hot Tuna is a meal and a band. I suggest you take this perspective and run … to the hills!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Consult your inner oracle, but wait till the mushrooms kick in.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Are your pants too tight? That’s because they’re too small; let’em hang loose or whatever.
-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard