Today’s Birthday (Oct. 9)
Kevin Spacey was the star of the classic flop “K-Pax,” in which he was an actor playing a character who may or may not be a space alien. In reality, he is a space alien who may or not be an actor. It is this sort of duality that will not concern you this day.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Being born on April Fool’s day doesn’t give you any special insight into French existentialism.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Why do you hate world music for all the wrong reasons, Taurus?
Gemini (May 21-June21)
You’re not even awake, are you? Masturbator.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Paul Newman is one sexy MF. Consider that the next time you think you’re looking so fine.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Stop crying over Robert Plant, he has yet to walk that stairway. Robert PALMER died. Silly Leo.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Shhhh…
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A six pack of Coors Lite taped to a floatation device adrift in a kiddie pool in your living room is not a wet bar.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Calling your “Psychic Friend at the Vanguard” an asshole does not change the fact that you will not get away with anything. Don’t tell me you didn’t say it. I hear everything. Comeuppence!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You don’t know how relieved I am that it’s no longer your birthday.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Like a toupee on a windy day you will be afloat.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re the only sign that should-and will-suffer from agism. If this horoscope eludes you, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Outdoor urination has nothing to do with Feng Shui, you sonuvabitch.
-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard