Today’s Birthday (February 17)
I knew someone like you once, Aquarius. Yep, they really thought they were a piece of work. Of course, they were the only one who thought that.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
It doesn’t matter what kind of party it is, jokes about the size of your anus are never appropriate.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t be discouraged when people tell you that you have a thick skull. Just tell them that you like to “shake your gourd.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Stop talking about the German cannibal. You’re grossing people out.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Stupid whiskey. Why am I powerless to resist you?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The word “softcore” should never reference a ham sandwich.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The possible outcomes of your current situation have been limited to the following two possibilities: rubba, rubba, rubba, or rubba, rubba, rubba.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Remember that one time when you took that trip with that one dude? That was cool.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Look, I’m totally serious, I didn’t let the neighbor’s cat inside.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Repeat after me: I will never call my significant other “my little hand warmer” ever again.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I don’t care what your eighth grade science teacher told you, boys don’t menstruate.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Have you ever noticed that people look at you funny? Why is that?
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard