PSU Vanguard Shield Icon

Do you really want to start a family?<

They may seem cute in photos and especially in someone else’s arms, but kids also look like a huge pain in the ass. When you get sucked into some sort of crazy daydream about having kids and a spouse and a white picket fence, just remember that once you have a baby it never goes away. If you have children though, I am sure that yours are angels sent from heaven (disclaimer).

In theory, reproduction is a wonderful and impressive undertaking, some say a miracle of human existence. Nonetheless, the only good part I can see in making a baby is the making part. To illustrate my point I would like to submit a few movies for your consideration.

“The Bad Seed” from 1956 is an eerie reminder of what can happen if you let your kid wreak havoc on the world without remembering that at least some of the time it is the little darling’s fault. Please do not be that parent, the one who thinks that their kid never starts the fight when in actuality your kid is the brat on the playground that all the other kids cower from and try not to make eye contact with.

“The Bad Seed” is a nice little piece of film noir featuring a very troubled little girl and a very slow to catch on mother. The kid is a terror but she is also a pleasure to watch. Just remember, kids like her do exist, so don’t let it be yours.

Macaulay Culkin used to be the cutest little tyke America had seen since Shirley Temple. He even got to be friends with Michael Jackson for goodness sake. Alas, child star perkiness doesn’t last, as we can see by the twins from “Full House.” Does anyone else find it incredibly disturbing to see Mary Kate and Ashley at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party in skin-tight gowns showing cleavage? All I can hope is that they never end up broke and in Playboy.

Back to Mac and his starring role as the bad son in “The Good Son.” The movie also stars Elijah Wood, whom I am told is dating the hottie from “Run Lola Run” – unbelievable. So, Mac is a total monster and Elijah isn’t. The movie is funny and scary as is shown in the scene in which Mac throws a fake person onto the highway to cause a traffic accident. As the body goes over he says “See ya later Mr. Highwayman!” Priceless.

No list of movies about monstrous children would be complete without the inclusion of the John Ritter masterpieces “Problem Child” and “Problem Child 2,” also starring the incredibly talented Gilbert Gottfried. The films are both really kind of depressing if you take a close look.

This kid is a monster and no one will adopt him. His problems seem to be self-esteem related, but no one cares about that, oh no, all they want to do is laugh at an orphan’s pain.

If you are wondering the name of said child, it was Junior in the movie and Michael Oliver in the real world. He has only done three movies and two of them were the two listed above. What happened to him? If you know where this little crackerjack of a boy ended up, send the priceless info to the e-mail listed above. I wish I could take him home and make him feel loved. That would solve everything. Oh, wait, I don’t want kids. Good thing it’s just a movie.

The final film is “Children of the Corn” which is still the scariest movie I have ever seen. Just thinking about that kid with the hat makes my skin crawl. My best friend in high school used to say, “And they want you too Malachai,” to me and I would have nightmares.

I don’t know why it is so scary for me that a whole slew of kids takes over a town. I think it must be the mixture of religion and children and scythes. It makes my skin crawl to think about people getting hacked up.

So, go scare that biological clock back a few years and be entertained in the meantime.