Men can be fucking dicks and, as a fellow member of the male gender, I know of this first hand. Which is why I’ve created a guide for guys to help us be a little less inconsiderate in regard to sex. This guide is neither comprehensive nor exhaustive, but is rather a mere primer of sexual courtesies for dudes to employ on Valentine’s day as well as in future erotic endeavors.
It’s important to note that much of this article is based on my own personal experience, and so it is told through the lens of heterosexuality. I wanted this article to be genuine of my own experience and trying to write about anything else would not only be disingenuous, but also, would not give other sexual orientations the proper attention they deserve.
Fellatio foreplay
To be honest, I’m not really a fan of blow jobs. Of course there are those who would argue: “well that’s because you’ve never had a ‘good’ blow job.” But the best convulsion inducing, saliva-saturated blow jobs just don’t compare to the best nails-digging-into-your-back, lip-biting sex. However, I understand their appeal.
Part of my uninterest in fellatio stems from my own inability to focus when a girl is going down on me, and as a result, my internal monologue likes to wander: “Whatever happened to Spice Girls?” I ask myself mid-blow job, as I immediately follow that thought with “Awwwww tell me what you want what you really really want…”
And so for my first point: if someone is kind enough to put their mouth on your penis, you owe it to them to stay engaged! Or at least notify them prior to that BJ’s aren’t your thing so they don’t waste the energy bobbing up and down your shaft. While I’ve never given one myself, it would seem apparent to me that blow jobs are exhausting endeavours, and no one should have to exert that kind of energy unnecessarily.
Though I hate the word itself, you should fucking man-scape. I can’t imagine anyone being thrilled to dive their face into the dense jungle that is your overgrown pubic hair. Do your partner the courtesy and deforest that shit. Honestly, I just trim the whole region down to a “0” as it’s easy and buys the most amount of time before I have to trim again. For Portland, stumptown may be a thing of the past, but for you, make it a thing in your pants.
Lastly, make sure you always give the person giving you head some forewarning before you blow your load. Let them decide whether or not getting out of the way is the right move. Which is an apt segway into the next section…
Cum and what to do with it!
If you haven’t came from the foreplay—or you have, but have since recuperated, in which case this section might be too late for you—you’re probably going to fuck. Good for you.
Let me preface by saying that unless your mission is to procreate, having protected sex is a good idea. But with that said, unprotected sex is like 100 times better. If you’re of the thrill-seeking variety, by which I mean you engage in unprotected sex, then you probably plan to implement the risky pull-out method. Please, before you do, let me share a story.
I dated a girl a while back whose name I’ve changed to Gertrude. Gertrude and I were getting ready to go to a fancy dinner for a special occasion that I can’t remember. She was getting ready in front of a mirror wearing a little blue dress. Gertrude looked fine as fuck. She must have thought I looked pretty good too, as she caught me checking her out from my reflection in the mirror, and it resulted in us having sex.
I have to admit that I implemented the pull-out method perfectly, however, being mid-orgasm, I was unaware of the velocity and trajectory of my ejaculate and my cum landed in her hair. I tried apologizing profusely, but Gertrude was livid—and with good reason—as no one wants cum in their hair.
My point is this: know where you’re going to cum before you have to. I think this is best achieved in the form of a discussion with your partner beforehand, as everyone is different. Some partners won’t want you to cum on their bed sheets because they’ll have to wash them after—understandable—and some partners won’t want you to cum on them because they think it’s gross—this is also reasonable, I too think cum is gross and I wouldn’t want it on me either.
For those of you playing it smart by using a condom, don’t think you’re free of responsibility. You’re going to have to throw out that used rubber eventually, and your partner will be displeased if any of your splooge spills out onto the floor or into the wastebasket. So be courteous and tie that shit off like a balloon animal before you do.
If you’re procreating—which is a strong possibility given November has the most birthdays, so I’ve been told—I trust you’ve done the necessary research to know what to do with your baby batter.
So you made some fuck, now what?
If you did the gentlemanly thing and waited to cum only after your partner came, take the time now to relish in the post-orgasm moment with your partner. You’ve both earned it. If you didn’t, you may be a little inconsiderate, or you may have another problem that this guide is not equipped to handle. Either way, you should look into that. But now it’s time to clean up.
Switching between missionary, doggie, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, lazy doggie, pretzel dip, back to missionary, into a flatiron, doggie again and finishing with a butter churner was probably the erotic equivalent to a game of twister and has undoubtedly left you covered in bodily fluids. Go get a clean towel, but do not use it. Instead, let your partner use it first as they were nice enough to let you fuck them. Also, I’m sure in the heat of the moment, you and your partner tore the clothes right off each other and discarded them at random, so please, help them find the underwear you threw across the room.
On a more serious note, if you intend on having multiple sexual partners, make sure you get tested frequently. I think this goes beyond courtesy and into something one ought to do, but it is relevant all the same.
And finally:
In episode nine of Call Her Daddy—a podcast about sex hosted by two women—the main discussion topic blew my little masculine mind: some girls will fake orgasms to get guys to cum faster. Some girls have to fake multiple orgasms before the dude finally finishes.
Now don’t take this the wrong way. This is not about girls being malicious; it’s about how no one wants to spend all day getting fucked by you. People have things to do. Faking an orgasm, as opposed to saying “hurry the fuck up,” is done out of respect for the fragile male ego. So before you go out with your boys and brag about your most recent “sexcapade” stop and ask yourself this: Did I really make her cum four times, or am I actually an inconsiderate piece of shit?