Gemini
May 21-June 20
Okay, so do you remember, like, last Thursday when you did that screening of Clueless or whatever? Oh my god, that friend that your friend brought over was totally hitting on you.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
I know you have good intentions, Cancer, but you really do need to clean out your closet and specifically donate that green outfit you’ve been hoarding forever. It doesn’t actually look that great on you.
Leo
July 23-August 22
I have gazed into my crystal ball this week and I have news. Your aunt Ida says hello and that there’s a coffee can in her backyard with 4 grand in it if you’re interested.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
The last thing you need is tips on how to be prim and proper in the workplace, but really, you need to stop chewing gum during meetings and conference calls.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Those toenails of yours aren’t going to pedicure themselves, Libra. Just because you had an awkward run-in with your pedicurist once doesn’t mean you can’t suck it up.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Did you know that the “Venus” song from those razor commercials is actually a Bananarama song? They also have a hit in that Jesus movie about that girl that gets her arm eaten off by a shark.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Do me a favor and get in some practice before you enter that paintball tournament, Sagi. You’ve got a little more rust on your shootin’ arm than you think.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
You do not qualify as having studied for your test by seeing how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth while reading. Also, are you a weeny? Only 12? Come on, Cappi.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
That is the last time you go to KFC for a while, Aquarius. Not only was your chicken undercooked, you’re pretty sure that mac and cheese was older than you.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
Cosmo tip 71: To give your significant other pleasure while watching Grimm, rub ketchup on their chest and present that they are Captain Renault..
Aries
March 21-April 19
The stars for this week want to remind you to change your undergarments daily as the days get hotter and you sweat more.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Do you even lift, bro? Seriously, when was the last time you went to the gym? You don’t want to be one of those guys who used to be a gym rat, do you?
