Horoscopes for the week of July 12


June 21-July 22
You have the best legs and the most musical talent in your family. You shouldn’t be surprised and should be able to flaunt these gifts. Don’t let anyone ever shut you down!


July 23-August 22
When upping your nerd knowledge about a certain subject, i.e., Equestranauts, don’t let non-canon erotic friend fiction get mixed up in the batch or your cover will be blown.


August 23-September 22
You are fierce, like Bob Belcher’s moustache. That moustache makes things happen. That moustache is magical. That moustache likes naming burgers things like “She’s A Super Leek” burger.


September 23-October 22
You have that thing that makes you unique and a little crazier from the rest of your tribe. That zest is what keeps you sharp and forward-thinking, so enjoy it!


October 23-November 21
You have a crush on a person, but your families are rivals. When you see this person, you are captivated, but a crush really is just a crush. You will eventually be able to move on.


November 22-December 21
Maybe not everyone likes to hear your stories about the trivial events in your life, but if you keep showing up and being positive, you will find true friendship before you know it.


December 22-January 19
Never doubt the power of a burger. It gets you through days that are tough. It is your lifeblood and that which gives you power. Always remember the burger.


January 20-February 18
When your parents tell you not to go too far for Halloween, you should listen. Though there are king-sized, candy bars somewhere, it’s only about 75 percent worth the risk.


February 20-March 19
When having your bar or bat mitzvah, remember that the party is not just about you. Dial down the pinata of your own head is what I’m saying.


March 21-April 19
Make sure when writing erotic friend fiction, you stick to body parts you admire. The trick to creating symphonic odes to said body parts is to always have the confidence to enjoy them.


April 20-May 20
This week, embrace your inner Linda. She’s always up for an adventure and even moreso for a bottle of wine. My recommendation is one from column A and one from column B.


May 21-June 20
Don’t cheat at the pub quiz. It’s not your fault that you haven’t studied everything extensively. As long as you’re having fun with your friends or partner, that’s the important thing.