Aquarius
January 20-February 18
At least one of your friends is having really bad dreams. You’ll have to forgive them nodding off at the lunch table.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
Don’t go to New Orleans this next week. You won’t come back the same and I’m not talking in a positive, life affirming transformation sort of way.
Aries
March 21-April 19
If you end up with a bad fortune this week, just remember that at least the cookie isn’t demon possessed and that you’re not William Shatner.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Sometimes you feel trapped in your day-to-day, don’t you Taurus? I wish I could offer consolation, but the truth is you’re just living in a parallel universe you can’t get out of.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
This week you’ll want to get away and one place you might consider going is the Twilight Zone episode “Bewitchin’ Pool. Aunty T is there, waiting for you with a slice of homemade cake. The only trouble is that you might not want to come back.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
There really isn’t something on the wing. You’re just having a nervous breakdown. Good luck with midterms!
Leo
July 23-August 22
You should be nicer to the kids you meet in case one of them has the power to send you to the corn field.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Change is good. Change is inevitable. Change that turns you despotic means you’re in the Twilight Zone.
Libra
September 23- October 22
Did you ever hear about the guy who woke up one day with super strength? It turns out that aliens were just messing with him. And, much like your week, his power gave out at the worst possible moment.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Don’t read too much this week. You’re going to want to socialize like it’s the end of the world, because, you never know, anything could happen.
Sagittarius
November 22- December 21
This week, it’s going to feel like someone sprayed you with love potion, and just in time for Valentine’s Day too!
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Pro-tip: Don’t conjure dead spirits and challenge them to anything this week. Next week you might be okay.
