Leo (July 24–Aug. 22)
This is a very special time of year for you, I think (I’m not an astrologist). I don’t really know what I’m talking about, Leo, but neither do you. It’s time to take a step away from that cliff edge where you proudly look over your savannah kingdom, and let someone else take charge. Eat some cake, be an antelope, happy birthday.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Yo, Virg—can I call you Virg? I’m going to. How’s that cattle ranch working out for you? Or are you already regretting the hundreds of cows you’ve purchased and the smell that comes with them? Maybe it’s not a cattle ranch, maybe it’s that jaguar (the actual animal) you bought and you’re seriously reconsidering your decisions. Take a second, Virg, and think about why you did that in the first place? I’m sure you have a very good reason for it. Trust yourself, boo.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
You’re at an all-time high in your life and you don’t see yourself coming down. But that doesn’t mean you have to stomp on everyone else’s hopes and dreams just because yours are being met right now. Remember who was there for you when the going was tough, they’re gonna expect the same from you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
You recently got your palms read by another fortune teller, huh? Yeah, we’ve all been there at one point or another. Didn’t like what you heard? Well guess what, Scorps, not everything people tell you is true. Surprise! You won’t die if you walk under an open ladder.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Why are you reading this? You’re crushing it at life at the moment and I have nothing else to offer you, young grasshopper. Try again next week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan, 19)
I consulted the magic eight ball and whatever you were wondering, without a doubt. You’re welcome.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Cool your jets there, Aquarius. Surriously.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
Did you find that kiddie pool I told you to swim in yet? No? Well there’s your task for the week. Remember to fill it with champagne and live the classy life.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Guess what, Aries? The most exciting news is in the next fortune cookie you open. So, go order some Chinese food, put on your favorite flick and realize that it doesn’t take a fortune cookie to tell you that you’re an all-star.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You’re a delicate flower at the moment and people are gonna try to pick your petals. But ya know what you’re gonna tell them? “Nobody puts baby in a corner!” Yeah, that’s right. Don’t worry ’bout a thang, Taur, your Patrick Swayze is just around the corner. Just remember to be patient. You got this kiddo.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
What’s new this week, Gem? Really…another pimple? Try using that facewash your mom’s been telling you to use, would ya? Not everything your mom says is wrong, I promise. She was your age at one time or another, maybe 100 years ago, maybe 500 years ago. Either way, she’s been there too.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
What did I tell you last week, Cancer? No, really, what the heck did I tell you? It’s not my job to remember, it’s yours, ya silly goose. Now listen to me! Stress is a very close friend to you right now, but I want you to take a long, deep breath and tell yourself these exact words: I. Am. Going. To. Be. OK. Love yourself, you’re pretty dang awesome and I know I’m not the only one who thinks so.
