Dear Winona,
I was just at the store buying some frozen yogurt when I saw your picture on the cover of People magazine.
Omigod, I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to write. I feel like such a bad president, but I’m sure you understand. So many people have been calling and writing, I’ve been very busy. But I want you to know that I (and the club, of course) have not stopped thinking of you once. You are, like, so amazing, and I know that when this is all over, I for one will never shop at Saks Fifth Avenue again. Some of the other club members have said they will try enforce this ban, as well.
Now first of all, I have to say that you looked fantastic on the People cover. Where was that picture taken? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before, and my best friend Tanya says it’s not on our Web site, so if you could get me a copy, that would be great. Thanks!!! Oh, but don’t worry about sending the one from the story. Let’s face it, that was not your best moment in front of the camera.
So, the club and I were chatting online earlier about the trial, and we’ve decided that it was a BIG mistake for you to not to take that deal. I mean, I know you have your reputation to protect and all, but it was a really sweet deal and now you have to go to court and who knows what can happen there.
I’ve taken the liberty to do some research on your lawyer (actually, daddy’s assistant helped me … that intern I told you about the last time I wrote). Anyway, he’s had some pretty high-profile clients, such as Roger Clinton and Gary Condit, so he must be pretty good. But Jeremy (that’s daddy’s assistant) says that sometimes not even the best lawyer can get you out of trouble.
I mean, Winona, they have a tape. I saw it on the MTV news. And even though my daddy thinks that your lawyer is smart to question the credibility of those security guards, one club member – who asked to remain anonymous – said that that’s, like, discrimination because you’re assuming that they’re not trustworthy because they’re, like, security guards at Saks Fifth Avenue and not real police people.
So, now some of the club members think you’re a snob, and one guy wants his money back. He said you’re washed up and that this trial will be the beginning of the end of your career.
I really don’t think this is true, though, because Robert Downey Jr. is still popular after all that rehab stuff. And look at Martha Stewart. Actually, I don’t really get the whole Martha Stewart thing, but daddy says it’s pretty obvious that the law and the media are being hard on her. I mean, we have to survive, right? You know what that’s like.
I think it would be, like, really hard to be famous because there’s so much pressure on you to be perfect. I mean, the clothes and the lifestyle and the money. I can see how it would be easy to slip up. Back in high school, when I was running for homecoming queen and I was afraid I was going to lose, I stuffed the ballot box. Well, I actually got this guy who liked me, Brendan, to do it. I told him I would go out with him and then I never did. But at least I won.
And I know you’ll win, too, Winona, because you’re the best. And you’ll do whatever it takes to stay that way.
Good luck. And don’t forget that if you ever need an actress to play your little sister, or maybe even you in the story of your life, you should pick me because not only am I your biggest fan, but I just got my hair cut and dyed to look like yours.
All my love and support forever and ever,
Porsche Daniels
President
Pacific Northwest Chapter
Winona Ryder Fan Club International
P.S. If everything works out OK, maybe you could come to Portland for a visit. The cops are pretty relaxed here. Did you know Damon Stoudamire? He’s a basketball player. I don’t really like basketball, but some cops found some pot in his house, and he didn’t even get in that much trouble. So, I guess things must be easier here for famous people.
P.P.S. I know you probably own it and all, but if you don’t, rent “Heathers.” I watch it whenever I’m down or just really pissed off, and it always makes me feel better.