Music to get laid by

“Happy Valentine’s Day”

Andre 3000/ OutKast

Sample lyric:

There’s so much fuss about Santa Claus,

But see, Cupid will not be defeated.

Cupid has yet to get this kind of attention. Andre understands that the booty is truly a gift. While Christmas gets worse every year of our lives (gain an in-law or lil’ baby annually and add them to the endless gift list), V-Day is a one-gift humptastic holiday. Candles, oils, KY warming gel, silk sheets, cotton panties, rose petals, butter, bubble bath, ohhh… here come the warm jets.

“Heaven”

Brian Adams

Sample lyric:

Baby you’re all that I want,

when you’re lyin’ here in my arms

I’m findin’ it hard to believe ,

we’re in heaven.

This is the slow dance heartbreaker B-side to the “Summer of ’69” 45, right? Fuck irony, this is a good song. “Heaven” touches on themes that “Summer” does, but delves further into what the romantic relationship could have been, and less into the band breaking up. Adams essentially rewrote this hit, named it “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You,” and sold it to Kevin Costner.

“Let’s Get It On”

Marvin Gaye

Sample lyric:

Let’s get it on,

Let’s get it on,

Let’s get it on,

Let’s get it on.

I’ve been really tryin, baby, tryin to hold back these feelings for so long. And if you feel, like I feel baby, come on, oh come on.

“Amelie” Soundtrack

If ever there was a film that made you want to fall in love, it’s Amelie. The movie-date known to make grown-ass men cry lovely tears of joy came with an equally charming soundtrack. Written and arranged entirely by French composer Yann Tiersen, the sound trinket is fresh bread on every corner, and an elevator ride to the top of the Eiffel.

“69 Love Songs”

Magnetic Fields

Sample lyric:

There’ll be time enough for sex and drugs in heaven,

when our pheromones are turned up to eleven,

but tonight I think rather just go dancing

there’ll be time enough for sex and drugs in heaven, my love

and time enough for rockin when we’re old.

Not everyone has a boo to chew during V-Day. Magnetic Fields gives you 69 comforting reminders that love is for suckers (and “Oregon is for dreamers” – way to go Salem). Songwriter Stephin Merritt understands the simplicity of self-pity and the reckless relief of self-destruction when approaching impossible relationships.