Off The Top Of My Head

Dear Carmen,

Can’t Always Listen Lovingly

CALL,

I’ll bet that, when she calls you, you just sit on the phone stewing for as long as she wants to talk. Why don’t you tell her that you have better things to do, only in a nice way? Something like, “I love talking to you, honey, but I really need to work on my homework/fix the dishwasher/clean my pad so that next time I see you I won’t have anything on my mind but you.” You could even turn it around if you like. Remind her about that homework she is putting off, or those dishes she was going to do before she went to bed.

If she is calling you from some kind of break (class or work) and doesn’t seem to have anything to do at all, suggest that she take a book or magazine with her next time, because you really need to get your stuff done so you can go out with the boys, watch your tape of “Sorority Life” or even just get to the next level of “Mech Assault” so you can spend what time you have together in a quality way.

If you feel that you may actually be able to tell her straight out that you are tired of talking on the phone, be aware that you can try to say it as nicely as possible, but she will likely be offended that you don’t want to talk to her as much as she wants to talk to you. Assure her that you just aren’t a “phone person” or that you’re just too busy with improving yourself through school/work/video games to be on the phone all the time. Plus, your friends are calling you whipped.

Dear Carmen,

Any New Tantalizing Images Crucial In Pulling Attention Till I’m Obediently Noticed?

ANTICIPATION,

First, I must commend you on your superb acronym. Now, I shall chastise you for being so pointlessly old-fashioned. I’m not saying that chivalry is a bad thing, that you shouldn’t let him open doors for you, but there are some things you need to get over. In the words of a super feminist in the movie PCU, “If you’re nice to them, they give you things?” Yes, ANTICIPATION, they do.

What you need to do is make a friggin’ move! Come on! You got a kiss and a second date, so he’s obviously interested in some way. Maybe he’s shy. (Or a prude, but we’ll hope that’s not true.) You want more, so you need to “take it to the next level,” (which, by the way, is a completely cheesy ’80s term that will not be mentioned again). Next date, slyly turn the conversation toward some sexual subject, or even just make some eyes at him. This is to prepare him for what you will do at the end of the date, if it doesn’t entice him to do it first. When you are parting, and someone goes in for the kiss, give him more than he bargained for. Let the hands (yours and his) roam a little more than last time, and hold onto him longer. If he’s not totally dense, he’ll get your drift. Winks also work wonders. Your next date shouldn’t be so dull.

Dear Carmen,

Continuously Atrophied Testosterone

CAT,

My question to you is, have you taken him to the vet to get him neutered? If so, his terrible temperament was likely caused by the lack of testosterone produced (which unfortunately just reinforces all those hard-to-prove negative female stereotypes). Just as likely is the possibility that he just misses the family jewels. Unless you know of some kind of kitty-genital reconstructive surgery, you’ll just have to live with it. At least he’s not knocking up the neighbor’s cat.

Want to know what Carmen thinks you should do? Write to her at [email protected] or P.O. Box 347, Portland, OR 97207-0347.