What the PHL?! is Philosophy Club’s answer to your moral dilemmas! Once a month, our club
meets to discuss and evaluate real-life ethical problems, submitted by you, our fellow students.
In our meeting, we will examine your issue from all angles and have a thoughtful discussion on
how to move forward in an ethical manner. After our meeting, our club members will write and
publish a summary of our findings, including any advice we may have for you. All questions are
welcome, but keep in mind that the more context provided, the more specific our advice can be.
Students can anonymously submit any and all questions by visiting the Philosophy Club’s
bulletin board located outside the philosophy department in Cramer 241, or by filling out our
QR code below!
“The Situationship”
(Names have been changed for anonymity.)
“My friend Jenny has been spending time with a guy who my friend group and I dislike. This guy, Paul, is not abusive or anything, but he and Jenny are generally incompatible. Jenny knows that they’re not compatible and has admitted to me that she only wants to keep things casual between them. However, I can tell that she is getting more attached to Paul and is continually engaging in behaviors that are more indicative of a serious relationship (spending increasing time with him, inviting him to more intimate events with family/friends, etc). I am trying to decide how to intervene, if at all.”
In discussing the above situation, our primary concern was in maintaining support for your friend. Throughout our group’s conversation, we continually kept this in mind and let it inform how you should proceed.
The first issue we identified was a disconnect between Jenny’s words and actions. She says that she is only casually interested in Paul, and she seems aware of their incompatibilities, yet their relationship seems to be functioning more seriously than Jenny says she wants.
The specifics or severity of their incompatibilities will matter a lot. Maybe they have different goals in life or don’t share many interests, but their sexual chemistry is amazing. In that case, moving away from a romantic relationship into a more clearly defined sexual one might be appropriate. But if their incompatibility really stems from the fact that Paul is just a total asshole, then whatever benefits this relationship provides Jenny might not be worth the potential stress or emotional harm.
Because of this apparent disconnect, you should ask Jenny for more clarification on what she likes about him, why she is in this relationship and what it is she really wants. It can be hard sometimes to understand what we actually want, especially when it comes to love. You should be patient with Jenny in figuring this out, but you may be able to provide a much-needed perspective as someone outside the relationship who cares about and knows Jenny.
We all have our blind spots, and our friends can play an important role in helping us see things about ourselves and our partners that we might otherwise have trouble seeing. However, you should ensure that your understanding of Paul and Jenny is based on what they actually say and do, and not your own personal assumptions or biases.
When it comes to approaching Jenny about your concerns, there are a few things you should keep in mind for the two of you to have an honest and productive conversation.
First, a conversation like this might understandably make Jenny feel defensive, so keeping support as a guiding value will be helpful. You should also ensure that you’re approaching Jenny at the right place and time. You should have the conversation in a space where the two of you are comfortable and able to speak freely, and you don’t want to approach her when she is stressed or busy. You should find a time when both of you are in the right headspace to talk about a difficult, and possibly quite emotional situation. The specifics of this will depend on your friendship and respective personalities. Additionally, be sure to listen to what Jenny’s boundaries are, and put your own relationship preferences aside. Using “I” statements and asking questions will be useful to make sure you are not dictating her behavior.
During this conversation, honesty will be an important topic. Jenny has told you that she thinks she and Paul are incompatible, but has she told Paul this? Does Paul know that Jenny says she wants to keep things casual? Honesty within any relationship is crucial. It’s wrong for Jenny to mislead Paul into thinking that their relationship is serious. She may be unintentionally doing so, which makes your conversion with her all the more important as it might allow her to reflect on what she wants and how she is behaving.
And while Jenny has an obligation to be honest with Paul, it might also be the case that you have an obligation to Jenny—to tell her how you feel about the situation and how your friends feel about Paul. Given the often significant role that romantic partners play in our lives and the apparent integration of Paul in your social circles, sharing your opinion with Jenny is warranted.
Though it may feel unkind at times, voicing our true feelings can demonstrate our genuine respect for other people and our trust in their maturity.
When it comes to interacting with Paul, it’s important to keep in mind that open hostility is likely to make Jenny feel uncomfortable. No matter what you and your friends think of Paul or of Jenny’s relationship with him, your central concern should be in supporting Jenny and being a good friend to her. You don’t want to do something that makes Jenny feel alienated from the friend group and this will impact how you relate to the people in her life. You should suspend judgment about Paul as much as possible. Try to see what it is that Jenny likes about him, and give him an honest chance in the friend group. As one of our members put it, you should “give him the room to succeed or fail.”
However, this doesn’t mean that you should withhold your feelings. If the reason that you and your friends dislike Paul is because he’s just an asshole, then you should call him out in the moment. It is likely the case that Jenny has similar values to the rest of the friend group, and pointing out Paul’s differences in this regard might help Jenny see the extent of their incompatibility. Hopefully this is not the case, but regardless, responding to the situation with Paul as it comes will be helpful in ensuring that the concerns you communicate to Jenny aren’t coming out of left field.
If you have tried all of the above, and Jenny continues to engage in an increasingly serious relationship with Paul, and your friend group’s dislike of Paul continues to deepen, you may be faced with a tough situation. If this is the case, you can and should continue to voice your concerns about the relationship and you might have to set boundaries of your own within the friend group.
If Paul is causing genuine problems in the group dynamic, it might be best to tell Jenny that you all are no longer comfortable including him in your gatherings. You and your friends’ comfort is important too. It can be quite difficult to be involved with someone who your friends dislike, but as much as possible you should avoid making Jenny feel alienated. If Jenny chooses to stay in a relationship that is in conflict with her desires, values and possibly her overall wellbeing, she will need her friends to uplift her more than ever.
Leaving relationships can be difficult, and this is made even more challenging when we don’t have strong support systems outside of our relationship. At the end of the day, despite how you feel about Paul, you should respect Jenny’s autonomy and support her. We aren’t always going to like our friend’s partners, but we shouldn’t let this stop us from loving, supporting and uplifting our friends.
