Rush Limbaugh is a big fat stoner

It appears that Rush Limbaugh and I have more than a couple things in common, the least of those being an addiction to prescription pain reliever Oxycontin. His landed him in a high-class rehab facility for 30 days. Mine, mixed with a case of kiwi-flavored St. Ides Malt Liquor I found behind a dumpster at Safeway, landed me on death’s door and in the Multnomah County drunk tank. Coincidentally enough, I ended up sharing my cell with a man who claims to be Rush’s college roommate. With hours until my next scheduled stomach pumping, and what with Rush’s recent legal troubles, I thought perhaps an interview with one of his oldest and dearest friends might be a good way to get a little insight into the making of a media superstar. In retrospect, there must have been a more accurate way to record the interview than carving it into my stomach with a safety pin, but you never know when the pigs are going to confiscate your shit.

Due to sensitive nature of the material, my cellmate requested I only use his street name, Spider.

So, you and Rush attended college together at Southeast Missouri State until he dropped out, right?

Yeah, Rush was a pretty f-ing chill bro. Kicking it with us, smoking reef, talking ’bout politics and girlies. He came from Cape Girardeau, which is a small town, man, so I think it pretty much blew his mind there.

So what happened?

I’m not sure, man. I came back to the room one day, man, and Rush had smoked my whole stash, which was a lot, bro, cause I was dealing at the time. I was all pissed off and yelling at him and barely noticed how f-ed up he was, man.

How so?

Well he got all paranoid, talking about wackos all the time, saying his liberal professors were out to get him, shit like that. Oh, and he had the munchies all the time after that, man. Dude wouldn’t stop eating.

What happened after that?

I don’t know, he dropped out. I came back next year and he was gone. Too bad, too. I really liked partying with that dude.

He traded it all for “the golden mic,” huh?

Golden mic? I don’t know about that. More like Zeppelin coke mirror, if you get my drift.

Rush was pretty unsympathetic to drug users on his program, saying things like they should jailed and white drug addicts, in particular, get off easy. Don’t you think it’s kind of ironic that he would be in this position now? That perhaps he, as a reliable meter for the national right wing, is also a good indicator of their hypocrisy?

Huh?

I’m just saying that if Rush wasn’t being investigated already in Florida for buying what is being reported as more than $80,000 worth of pills, do you think he would be so publicly checking into rehab? He already went through two “private” sessions trying to kick his habit before all this controversy without a single mention of publicly. It makes you wonder if he would have ever come forth.

Uh. Well, didn’t Robert Downey Jr. do that?

Yeah, but he’s a democrat.

Shit.

And isn’t it funny that all this would be happening a mere nine days after Limbaugh was dropped from ESPN for saying that Donovan McNabb is only popular because the media wants to see the success of a black quarterback.

But Warren Moon was black wasn’t he? I liked that f-ing guy.

That’s what I’m saying. It was a preposterous statement. Even Chris Berman, the all-time record-holder for blind positivity in sports casting was quoted as saying, ”I’m angry for the hurt it’s caused African-Americans, I’m angry for the hurt it’s caused all people. I’ve never looked at Donovan McNabb as a black quarterback. Ever.”

Shit. That’s not the Rush I know. Back when we were in college, doing gravity-bong hits, listening to The Grateful Dead, he would always say …

The Grateful Dead?! When Jerry Garcia died, he was quoted as saying, “When you strip it all away, Jerry Garcia destroyed his life on drugs. And yet he’s being honored, like some godlike figure. Our priorities are out of whack, folks.” This coming from the man whose own cult, the “ditto heads,” stole their very moniker from the Grateful Dead’s “deadheads.”

He said that about Jerry?! Screw him! You want some real dirt on Rush Limbaugh? Something only I would know, something really f-ed up!? Well, I’ll tell you. One time Rush and I were all high and …

After that, I began slipping back into the swirling void of kiwi-flavored unconsciousness, losing the rest of the interview. All I have written down are the words, Rush, 12-year-old, antipasti and Dalmatian. I tried desperately after that to get in contact with Snake, but apparently, fearing for his life he boarded the first freighter headed toward Bangkok, leaving us all with baited breath and a plethora of unanswered questions. All the while, Rush cleans up; Donovan McNabb throws his heart out; the Florida district attorney searches for clues; and somewhere out there a 12-year-old, a plate of cold cuts and a spotty doggy try to make sense of this crazy mixed up world.