After eight years of driving experience, it’s hard for me not to appreciate the most innovative style of transportation, especially for mass populations. Just the bustle of the city, traffic on the road and the smog of the morning rush is how I’ve always wanted to start each and every day.
Although certain places have invested in other transportation styles, I’m glad that from the most rural areas to the most urban areas, cars are still the fastest—and sometimes the only—way to get around here in the United States.
Traffic is everyone’s favorite car experience. Merging is a breeze, with people generously offering space whenever you need it.
Clearly, the roads here in Portland were designed to host a magnificent parade of cars gracefully marching down a major highway at a whopping 30mph. An absolute delight for everyone involved!
Sure, it will add time to your trip, but you get to spend that time with other people and feel like you’re a part of something larger than yourself. Only in spirit, of course. Most car trips are actually just one isolated driver having to get somewhere like work or run errands, but it’s always good to have space for four or six or more.
Everyone is so nice on the road. If they are upset, mad, thankful or really any emotion, they can honk and the other car will just understand.
If there’s an important message the other car needs—like “be careful,” “watch out,” or “your tail light is out”—again, a nice honk will do as a clear, concise, catch-all message.
What an adequate and universal tool—the car horn.
You can trust other drivers to know what they are doing—all of them, all the time. No distractions, no emotional driving, no impatience and no drowsiness. Everyone on the road is at their best cognitive state the entire time.
Ah, the road. Where disputes turn into high-stakes drama! People get so passionately invested in driving that we’ve even coined a term for these emotional rollercoasters—road rage. It’s like a refined art of recklessness, born from the perfect blend of stress, frustration and anger.
Just to keep things interesting, about three months ago, a gentleman decided to spice up his drive by shooting two people in Portland. Clearly, a unique and isolated incident, because, you know, these weird occurrences only happened approximately 728 times in 2021.
Fear of driving? Not me! Sure, it’s statistically a leading cause of death, but who’s counting? I’ve just embraced the thrill of hurtling down the road with a bunch of other speed demons, all flirting with the possibility of a fateful impact.
People buy lottery tickets knowing their chances of getting struck by lightning twice are better, and I and so many others take that chance when we fire up our engines and hit the road.
Cars are not even the most dangerous—it’s second to gun violence for children! Well, at least since 2020. Before that, cars held the crown for 60 years.
Weather changes make driving that much more fun! Ice and snow will exaggerate everyone’s skill while driving. But don’t get too worried. Stress can have that effect, too.
If we remember, the last freeze in Portland left drivers stuck and abandoned on freeways for hours with no way of getting home safely. It was the community-building activity everyone wanted.
Then we have the new and approved headlights turned LED lights. Nighttime wouldn’t be complete without these dazzling beacons, overshadowing mundane things like roads and making them nearly invisible.
Oh, the sheer thrill of owning a vehicle! It’s such a joy to shell out money for registration, fees and titles. Truly, an investment in something that depreciates in value by 11% just by driving off the lot.
My trusty car, faithfully draining my bank account, has taken me on countless adventures. The pride of spending thousands just to call it mine, knowing it’ll last me a lifetime—a car lifetime of 12 years. Then I’ll get to finance a new one, yippee.
Once I have paid off this treasure, the real fun begins—maintaining it as it gracefully deteriorates. Oh, and let’s not forget the regular fuel and oil fund contributions.
And who can forget insurance—the quintessential mandatory subscription for the thrill of driving! It’s like paying for the privilege of worrying less about accidents, with the bonus that if I ever do have one, I might only have to partially drain my bank account for another car.
Because, let’s face it, cars are the pinnacle of transportation excellence, especially in the bustling paradise of Portland.