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Shiv to Shank

As John Kerry won the Iowa caucus last week, Iowans learned what many indie rockers soon will: no matter how many sweaters, mittens and scarves you knit, big money politics will still win out in the end.

The congressional budget office released their latest deficit projection last week, putting this year’s expected federal deficit at a record $477 billion. On the bright side, President Bush has said he plans to address the shortage by turning the Alaskan wildlife refuge into gold bullion via alchemy, harvesting Moon cheese and establishing a Candyland-themed amusement park on Mars.

Over the weekend, the three front-runners of the Democratic New Hampshire primary jockeyed for position in the polls. John Kerry attacked Howard Dean’s tax policies as political suicide, to which Dean retorted that “Kerry couldn’t find his Iraq policy with a compass,” adding “Woo!” and “Wooooo-wooooo!” From the crowd, John Edwards replied, “Yeah! What he said!” While Wesley Clark reminded everyone, yet again, that he is indeed a general.

In the wake of “Mad Cow Disease” a press conference was held by the chickens of the world to remind the flesh-eating public that they too can be infectious, citing the new “bird flu” and the old standby Salmonella as reasons not to be eaten.

On Monday, President Bush began campaigning on one of his state of the union proposals to put a price cap on malpractice settlements, meant to lower the cost of healthcare. Subsequently, George Clooney has decided to go into private practice as a real doctor, and a new Paxil commercial-a three-hour musical extravaganza starring Brad Pitt and directed by John Woo-will air during the next Super Bowl

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan urged the new Afghan government yesterday to ensure that the country maintains equal rights for women and girls as they proceed with a new constitution, while Iraq is facing the proposed implementation of Islamic family law. The Bush Administration went on the defensive, claiming, “Hey, we talked about Afghan women’s rights; we never said a thing about Iraq.”