Aries (March 21–April 19)
Happy Birthday, Aries. Basically you can do whatever you want and no one can stop you. Smoke a joint in the buff in a field. Get high and tell Dad jokes on the street corner. If people don’t laugh, just throw your Big Gulp at them and tell those Lame-o hosers to take off.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
This week, conflicts and arguments may lead to things you didn’t mean to say. No need to be stubborn—smoke a bowl and meditate, getting in touch with Ganesha, who urges to keep calm and sort your thoughts to maintain peace and harmony. Go on a hike and treat yourself with a joint when you reach your destination. Reconnect with old friends over a blunt. Taurus season starts on Wednesday and it’s your time to be the dankest bud out there.
Gemini (May 21–June 21)
With multiple personalities running around up there, listen to the one telling you to unwind from it all and smoke some laughing grass. The ganjapreneur at your favorite recreational store will help you find the perfect strain for your expressive self.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
Don’t smoke. It’ll give you cancer, and you’ve already got enough of that going on, Crabby pants. Weed’s probably fine, though. Eat a brownie or something and don’t be a Grump-mobile.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Hey you tiger, why not take a break from being your ambitious self and hangout on the couch with a bag of Cheetos, Half-Baked, and a fat J of lemon drop. You’re naturally drawn to the limelight, so why not get lime-high and breathe in the calming strains of indica.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Sup virgs, stop overanalyzing how responsible you need to be and analyze which dispensary is closest to your house. Hop on that J-train and chug your way to giggle town.
Libra (September 23–October 23)
Don’t worry about a thing, Libra. Everything’s going to go your way, because you’ve got a plan. Knock it all out, kick back in this breezy spring weather, and smoke up some indica knowing that your stars are totally aligned.
Scorpio (October 24–November 21)
Hello you sexy swarthy serpent spirit. Maybe you’ve already figured out that you and the Jolly Green are a match made in heaven. You’re probably feeling pretty restless this week. Instead of seeking a stranger to lay your restless bits upon, lean on your old friend Mary Jane for a bit of respite. She’ll never lead you astray if you roll her up just right. She’s a lady of the night and a lady of the day. She’ll keep you on the couch, which is right where you should stay this week.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
You tend to be pretty happy-go-lucky without getting the wacky-tobaccy all up in the mix. Even so, there’s no harm in getting real silly for the holidaze. Surround yourself with some people or some trees who make you feel good and have grand time with your dancey, sappy, Sag self.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Pissy, pessimisty, doomsday-ey, and stingy. That’s you on your worst day. Good thing it’s not your worst day. Instead, your puns are on point this week and everyone knows it. You’ll be the funniest person in the room if you find a nice sativa and let your punchlines hit all your friends right in the kisser. Go ahead, spank your friends in the face with all that funny you’ve been hoarding.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
As you are apt to do, you’re getting up in your head again, Aquarius. Sure, it’s a holiday, but it’s probably a good time for you to lay off the heady strains this week. It’s obvious you’re overthinking your professional and academic careers, and that headband isn’t doing you any favors. Step outside of your haze for a few days and bring… oh, what was I talking about again?
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Now’s not the time to be a sad sack, Pisces. That’s always a problem, of course, but here’s the good news: Mary J is also medicinal. Take off that fish face and become a chuckle bunny with a couple sativa cookies, and go take a hike.