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This university has gone to hell

So what the hell is going on at this university anyway? Tuition increases seem to parallel increases in inconvenience. First of all, how hard is it to fix a broken clock? I’m really getting tired of eating lunch at 8:35 everyday. No matter when I show up to eat in the northwest cafeteria in Smith, it’s always 8:35. I’m not sure if this is a.m. or p.m., since the gloomy, gray blankets of condensation have moved in and signed a six-month lease with the slumlord of the P-town sky. My primitive mind marvels at how time seems to stop while I get my grit on. Perhaps the physics department has created a dimension where time stands still, but why would they do this in the cafeteria? Or perhaps the tiny little people working inside the clock have gotten tired of working for the Man and have gone on strike. In either case, this isn’t the only quandary afflicting our great mess hall.

Recently, as I was slurping down my Subway sandwich, a small mouse poked his head out of the windowsill and scampered around for a few seconds before diving back down into, what must be, a rodent’s paradise. Now, I’m not a big fan of diseases transmitted by rodents scurrying across tables I eat on regularly, but I must maintain a positive attitude: I comfort myself by reminiscing about days and nights spent in the slums of L.A., shared with roaches and rats, creatures that could teach this little PSU rodent a thing or two about scavenging and spreading disease (and everyone is so worried about Anthrax, hah!).

I made a quick full-court transition to the library and donated the rest of my grit to the bum that was snoring next to me while I tried to study. I’m glad they decided to renovate the second floor: that new carpet really adds to my rich learning experience here at Portland State. Besides, the transients prefer its comfortable Nyquil-colored shag to the cold pavement outside any day of the week. Furthermore, trimming down the number of seats near the windows makes perfect sense when there’s hardly a spare seat to sit in on campus when it rains. However, our fair library is not the only building where practicality is job one.

Most, if not all, of the Zip drives in the SBA computer labs don’t work anymore. This is great news for transporting and working on those reports that are larger than 1.44 MB. I’m glad they came up with the solution to put in CD-Rs so MP3 hounds can waste bandwidth and burn their CDs in the comforts of the SBA labs, instead of their own cribs (can you say Morpheus?!). Rewriting a CD to update a word file? That’s practicality at it’s best. All this practicality is making me hungry.

Silas Ashcroft