Today’s Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (February 19)

Don’t drop the soap.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

If you keep hiding in the shadows, Aries, she’ll never know she has a stalker.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Headphones only stop others from hearing your music, not your disgusting voice when you sing along. Inconsiderate bastard.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, that’s why it’s not a hospital JELL-O flavor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Poop.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When posing as a French teacher, Leo, avoid speaking only gibberish.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You don’t look good with dreadlocks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When your saliva holds the consistency of gravy, Libra, it’s time to fire your shrink and hire a real doctor.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You are not a werewolf.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

They know.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Drinking blood will not get you the presidential nomination you crave.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Licking exotic toads may get you high, Aquarius, but it won’t stop The Man from watching your every move.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Whining about your botched bleach job won’t make your hair grow back, Pisces, so shut up.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard