Your psychic friend at the Vanguard called in sick, and the Vanguard editorial staff wrote these during lunch. Each is three words. No one wishes to hear your complaints. Good day.
Today’s Birthday (Oct. 9)
Go back home.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Talk much less.
Taurus(April 20-May 20)
Sit back down.
Gemini (May 21-June21)
You’re a masturbator.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Body oil? No.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Long, are you?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re not funny.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You either. Libra.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Comeuppence! Comeuppence! Comeuppence!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Put on pants.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Whatever dude. Whatever.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No one cares.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You sonuvabitch, you.