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Video Fun With Biff

I don’t know about you, but last Sunday I was glued to the television at 10 p.m. to catch the season finale of “The Anna Nicole Show.” I thought her date Claude (a member of the all important single millionaire’s club) was a nice enough guy, a little dorky, but hey, he meant well.

Biff doesn’t know what this guy was thinking, however, taking Anna Nicole to a fancy Japanese restaurant. C’mon Claude, you’ve seen the show! What was going through your post-30, slicked-back, millionaire head? The poor girl asked for “A-1 sauce.” At a Japanese restaurant.

Now that the season has come to a close, how are we going to get our Anna Nicole fix?

Well, by watching her in the movies, silly! And you thought she was only on television and pornography videotapes. Shame on you!

First up on the docket, you better make way for “The Hudsucker Proxy.” This ’94 Coen Brothers dramedy combines all the fine elements of an artsy newspaper saga with a well-placed cameo by the lovely Anna Nicole Smith. Sure, Paul Newman and Tim Robbins may happen to have a bit to do with this movie, but it’s all just scenery as Anna Nicole steals the show.

The year 1994 also marked her first true co-starring film role as Tanya Peters in “The Naked Gun: 33 & 1/3,” the third installment of the “Naked Gun” series. The only thing it has going for it is the fact it is one of the four feature films Anna Nicole has appeared in. Other than that, it’s garbage. Pure, unadulterated garbage.

Now for the good stuff. Do you remember when Anna Nicole Smith had credibility for about nine months in 1994? Well, 1995 was no sunny day at the beach for this lady. That year brought Anna Nicole face to face with a “Skinemax” movie of the week by the name of “To the Limit.”

Now I love this movie. I love it for three simple reasons: 1. Anna Nicole Smith stars in this movie. That is awesome. 2. Joey Travolta (John’s younger brother) stars in this movie. That is also awesome. 3. It was the final nail in the coffin of Anna Nicole’s legitimate career.

Up until this point, one could say to oneself, “You know, that Anna Nicole might not be a great actress, but what she does lack in acting ability she more than makes up with in class and sheer modeling talent.”

“To the Limit,” however, put all these crazy thoughts to rest. This film’s arrival on the video shelf was a sign, a sign of a canceled career. And yes, she totally gets nude in this movie, twice actually.

While we’re on the subject, she totally gets nude in 1996’s “Skyscraper.” If memory serves, there is a love scene and also an awkward “self-service” scene, but don’t quote me on that.

“Skyscraper” deals with issues of terrorists and helicopters and … skyscrapers and so it’s all very relevant and I’m sure it holds some deep political meaning if you really need it. My favorite scene is when we find Anna Nicole karate kicking some fools all over an office building. Take that you terrorist fools!

I know all good things must come to an end, and by that I mean “The Anna Nicole Show’s” first season.

But now you have an alternative or two. Sure there’s no Kimmee, Daniel or Sugar Pie. No Howard K. Stern, lawyer extraordinaire, and sadly, Bobby Trendy might be lost and gone forever. In the meantime, indulge in your Anna fixation with a fine feature film, made before she started taking all those muscle relaxants.