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What do you want in a theater?

Do you need some culture but are not in the mood for Shakespeare? It’s time for a night at the movies! But where should you go? Look no further, for this is the ultimate guide to movie theaters around campus. From the cushiest seats to the worst audience, these are the theaters to check out.

Regal Theaters, $6 student, $7.75 general admission, Monday night discounts on most movies, www.regalcinemas.com.

Fox Tower Stadium 10, S.W. Park and Taylor, 503-225-5555, ext. 4604.

Just half a dozen blocks north of Portland State University is the Fox Tower Theater. The Fox abounds with plush, comfortable seats arranged stadium style, reminiscent of airplane seating (with about the same amount of leg room). Fox Tower shows most of the usual blockbusters, but is not opposed to throwing a good foreign film in the mix every once in a while (“Am퀌�lie,” “Y Tu Mam퀌� Tambi퀌�n”). The Fox has one big problem, though: long lines. Unless you plan on getting tickets ahead of time or like to wait in line and be accosted by the usual sidewalk performers, this is the theater best frequented on weekday afternoons, when regular people (working schmucks) are at the office. Fox wins both the “Best Weekday Theater” and “Best Seating” titles.

Koin Center 6, S.W. Third and Clay, 503-225-5555, ext. 4608.

The Koin Theater is tucked away in the corner of the Koin Center building downtown. It is an easy theater to dismiss, there never seem to be enough interesting movies playing there and one rarely comes across it on a relaxing afternoon stroll around town, making it easily forgotten. The Koin quickly redeems itself, however: a line of more than about four people is rare, even for a weekend, and it usually shows at least one movie that other theaters seem to overlook in their quest for viewers (“Read My Lips,” “The Fast Runner”). Watching movies at the Koin is like watching them at home with a few friends (and your very own armrest). The Koin wins “Most Private Theater”, making it the “Most Make-Out Friendly Theater”.

Broadway Metroplex 4, 1000 Broadway, 503-225-5555, ext. 4607.

The attraction to the Broadway Theater is a mystery to this lowly moviegoer. The theater is consistently packed on weekends, has incredibly limited movie options and offers seating arrangements that encourage all short people to flock to the nearest theater with stadium seating. This theater has featured all of the following films: “Scooby-Doo,” “SwimFan” and “Austin Powers in Goldmember.” I wonder if “Van Wilder” played there? “Most Crowded for No Apparent Reason Theater” and for you lusty frat boys, “Biggest Population of High-School Kids.”

Independent Theaters

Cinema 21, 616 N.W. 21st, 503-223-4515, $5 student, $6 general admission

http://www.cinema21.com

Cinema 21’s biggest attraction factor is that it is never crowded with mindless youth trying to see which stupid teen movie is going to be over in time for them to make their curfew (a la the Broadway Theater). This theater is always teeming with (seemingly intelligent though tragically hip) northwest twenty-somethings who actually care about the movie, not just about their date. Bottom line: people get the jokes here. “Best Theater Atmosphere” but “Creakiest Theater Seating.”

Fifth Avenue Cinema, 510 S.W. Hall, 503-725-4470, $3 student/$2 PSU, $4 general admission.

This theater is a common choice for those of us who are broke, which describes most college students. It offers great discounts for second-run movies. If you can wait a few months to see a new film and would rather spend your last few bucks on a movie than on a latte (tough decision, I know), this is the place to go. Fliers are always up around campus showing the weekend films. “Most Student/Wallet-Friendly Theater.”

Northwest Film Center: The Guild Theatre, S.W. Ninth and Taylor/Whitsell Auditorium, 1219 S.W. Park, 503-221-1156, $5.50 student, $6.50 general admission, www.nwfilm.org.

Both theaters show all sorts of fascinating (though some would say boring) films. From documentaries to foreign films, the Northwest even shows independent movies about independent movies!

The Clinton Street Theater, 2522 S.E. Clinton, 503-238-8899, $6 general admission, $4 general admission on Tuesdays.

The Clinton has been remodeled, now showing not only movies, but better seating and bathrooms than one could dream of in a theater. Bonus: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” plays every Saturday at midnight. So get all dressed up and visit the theater with the “Best Smelling Toilettes.”

McMenamins Theater Pubs, $2 regular shows, $3 starred attractions, all general admission, www.mcmenamins.com/Edge/thesched.html.

Bagdad Theatre, 3702 S.E. Hawthorne, 503-225-5555, ext. 8830, 21+.

The Bagdad plays films that have been out a while, but serves alcoholic beverages while doing it! Go on, be a true Portlandite and drink (overpriced) Pabst Blue Ribbon in public. At least the movie is cheap. “Coolest Old-School Theater Sign.”

Mission Theatre, 1624 N.W. Glisan, 503-223-4031, 21+.

The Mission has cheap movies and expensive beer. But can you really afford to miss out on the opportunity to commit the (venial? cardinal? mortal?!) sin of getting drunk in a building that used to be a church? It’s up to you. Just remember to go to confession after the movie. “Most Guilt-Inducing Theater.”