By now you, Dear Reader, have probably formed an opinion of some type on Donald Trump. Indeed, the Republican front-runner has sparked strong opinions across the political spectrum.
Recently, a story came across my Facebook News Feed that piqued my interest: Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and CEO, generously offering to launch Donald Trump into space with the help of a Blue Origin rocket. It might be worth noting that Blue Origin is also owned by Bezos.
It may sound excessive to deport a person from the planet, especially someone who has already given the world so, so much. He has, for instance, single-handedly proven to the world what many of us had long suspected: that anyone, regardless of their background, beliefs, or actual qualifications, can one day grow up to be President of the United States as long as they have several billion dollars worth of assets.
He is the living embodiment of the American dream: an inspiration to starry-eyed American youth everywhere. All you need to do is inherit a real-estate empire, have a bazillion dollars to pretty much just do whatever with and use said bazillion dollars to get elected. This is democracy, folks. Or at least democracy as we have conceived of it in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
Furthermore, and this point is crucial, Donald Trump is the closest thing that America has to a real-life Scrooge McDuck, making him something of a national treasure. What other public figure do we have that embodies, to an almost total degree, an iconic cartoon character beloved by millions? And what is Trump Tower, after all, but a real-life version of Scrooge’s towering money vault?
The only thing missing from Trump tower is the enormous dollar-sign insignia emblazoned across the front of the building. And I am willing to bet that somewhere in the dark recesses of Trump Tower is an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with gold coins and a diving board perched high above it. So would it not be ungracious, perhaps even obscene, to expel such a figure from planet Earth?
But I would like to take a moment to consider—seriously consider—this course of action.
Donald Trump currently ranks among the richest people in America. Number 121 according to Forbes. He is, for all practical purposes, America’s “fattened calf.” There is a long tradition, both in the Old Testament and in numerous religions throughout history and the world, of sacrificing one’s worldly goods (farm animals and crops, in particular) to ensure a productive harvest, a good year, and continuing good fortunes.
Donald Trump would make for an excellent and worthy sacrifice to Jehovah, Yahweh, the Elder Gods or whomever it is that one prays to. Imagine the good fortune this would bestow upon the nation! We may be looking at another American Century if all goes according to plan. Trump’s hair alone would be a unique, one-of-a-kind offering. America has never produced anything like it before; we may never see another in our lifetime.
Also noteworthy is the fact that Jeff Bezos has generously offered to use his company to put up the funds for the project. In an era of government austerity and cuts to public funding, it would not cost the public a dime.
In the end, however, it may be the less tangible benefits that will mean the most. Imagine, if you will, the fateful day we launch Donald Trump into space for the good of the nation. People, everywhere, would gather together to watch the countdown broadcasted live on television, just like the moon landing. The President himself, acting as the master of ceremonies, would step up to a podium overlooking Cape Canaveral and intone over the crowd,
“O infinite void of space, timeless and eternal, we ask that you accept our offering of Donald Trump into your infinite abyss, that we may be blessed and purified by our collective sacrifice. May his exit from our small blue planet be pleasing to thee.”
And then we would fire up the rocket engines.
The countdown would begin, and the rocket would lift off from the launch pad for its final ascent. And we—all of us—would gather round and watch as the figure of Donald Trump gets smaller and smaller until he finally disappears into the infinitude of the Cosmos, and we will say, “Well, that’s that” and go back inside, feeling somewhat more aware of our place in the universe and the relative smallness of our individual human lives.
Because we will have just seen Donald Trump vanish into an invisible speck in the night sky, forever; and how much smaller, then, are we, not having billions of dollars or real estate empires of our own? We may, for a brief, fleeting moment, rethink our entire place in the universe as a species. And that, I think, may be a plan worth pursuing.
