Summer’s coming, and that means sunny afternoons spent relaxing outside, preferably with an iced beverage in hand. We all have our preferences, but have you ever wondered why you like your specific drink order? Thankfully, advances in personality science have allowed us to determine with an exceedingly low margin of error what your beverage type is based on where you prefer to sit on a hot summer day.
Park Block Benches—Iced Black Coffee
You’re normal. You like normal things. What’s your favorite band, someone asks? The Beatles, of course. “No,” you say, “I wouldn’t like to sit on the grass—there are perfectly good benches right here, literally made for us to sit on.”
Being normal is cool and fine and good, as well as any other normal-sounding adjectives. The world needs normal people, after all. Go enjoy your normal drink and read your normal book and do all your normal things. Adventure isn’t for everyone.
Shattuck Meditation Corner—Iced Green Tea
You meditate—or you wish you meditated. Just sitting here makes you feel a little healthier, a little more present-minded. You probably had a Buddhism phase in high school, and you might have even stuck with it.
You insist to everyone you meet that, no, you don’t feel like you’re better than everyone else. Mhm. Sure, bud. Keep saying it until you believe it.
Any Rooftop Garden—Aperol Spritz
How’s the view from up there? It’s a little gratifying to watch everyone from above, scurrying off to their classes and jobs and obligations, isn’t it? You don’t have to worry about any of that, of course. Not up there. Everyone just looks so small from up that high.
The gardens are on top of certain buildings—the Karl Miller Center, the Rec Center, etc.—but none of that matters to you. Like a Venetian duke surveying your domain, the petty concerns of campus politics don’t concern you. It’s all yours, anyway.
Dormitory Parking Lots—Pabst Blue Ribbon Tall Boy
Wow, you’re really going through it, huh? It’s been a hard term—no, scratch that. It’s been a hard year. Sometimes you’ve just gotta sit in the back of a pickup truck eating a Chipotle burrito and drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon over the rainwater drain like a New Jersey rat.
Honestly, I can’t even make a joke about this one. Whatever you’re going through, I hope it gets better soon. One word of advice, though—maybe try drinking some water?
SMSU/Cramer Hall Benches—Large Cold Brew Coffee, No Ice
You’re a workhorse. Sit down? You can’t even take a few minutes to rest between classes without risking your GPA slipping past the point of no return. You decided to take 21 credits because “it’ll get everything done faster,” and God bless you for that. You have to stay close to your classes, so naturally the only place to sit down is literally right outside the door.
Are… are you alright? I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but it might be nice to just stop for a second and smell the flowers. Nobody’s grading you on this.
Lovejoy Fountain—Milk Tea, Extra Boba
You’re probably an engineering student, or you decided to get lunch at one of the 4th Avenue food carts—God knows nobody else comes to this part of campus. Either way, you’ve rightly discovered that this fountain is the best place to sit in the area, so good perception there.
This place just has a boba vibe to it. Please don’t ask me to explain further.
Park Blocks, On The Grass—Iced Matcha Latte
Oh, look how cute you are with your little picnic blanket laid out under that tree! If “touch moss” was a person, it would be you. You’re probably a fan of Mary Oliver, or you would be if you haven’t read her yet somehow. You tell your friends and family how you like to be “close to the earth” five or six times a week, conservatively speaking.
Be honest—how many times have you accidentally laid down in dog shit?
PSU Urban Center—Literally Any Starbucks Drink
This is a nice, central location with plenty of sun, open space and pretty places to sit. It’s right next to the streetcar, so you can go from here to almost anywhere; it’s next to the Rec Center, so it’s convenient to go to work out; and it’s close to plenty of food, including a pretty good pizza place.
But I think we all know the real reason you come here: that Starbucks is just too tempting. I mean, where else are you going to get your Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refresher?
Pettygrove Park—Specialty Iced Coffee
You like to go off the beaten path, and you make sure to let everyone know it. You spend a concerning amount of time hanging out in dog parks, even though you don’t have a dog. If someone asks your favorite film, you’ll start listing off half a dozen European art film directors before pivoting into a mini-lecture about the virtue of reading subtitles versus watching dubs.
You’re definitely a regular at your favorite coffee shop, and you make a point of ordering a new, quirky drink every time—we’re talking Rose Water Cold Brews, Pistachio Lattes, Orange Peel Mochas, etc. For what it’s worth, I think that all those jokes everyone makes about it are in bad taste. Your drink orders are definitely not obnoxious and looking for attention—don’t listen to them.
