Competency Rating (benevolent, all-psychic, and eye-gougingly beautiful): Must I even say it? It is beginning to seem redundant, almost silly, that every week I must proclaim my overwhelming general excellence and mind-numbing gorgeous-icity just to prove one simple and evident point: I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, am the greatest, most vibrant and bootylicious cinematic clairvoyant of all time! My ever-expanding consolidation of the cosmos is mystifying! I am a Super Bowl (just to reference what you silly Americans enjoy being horrified by lately) halftime show spectacle to myself! My supple ass defies both gravity and the gropings of Ben Affleck! NASA wants to take pictures of me – yes, me – in the nude or clothed (they do not care) for I am one million, gazillion times more bountiful and full of life than the planet Mars! And now that we have gotten that out of the way (unlike my ass, which cannot be reproached) I give you, my dear kind of attractive readers, this week’s movie forecast. And a forecast you will need, for this week, there are so many movies coming out that it is the cinematic equivalent to a hailstorm of merde.
Your Movie Forecast for the weekend of 20 February 2004:
“Against the Ropes”: Every immaculate and well-crafted piece of myself wanted to hate this movie with every benevolent and sculpted fiber of my being. Yet the cosmos disagreed. Sometimes it is hard to be the true form of beauty, while also being a conduit for the supernatural. C’est vive, non? So if you can get past Meg Ryan’s skanky ass and stare into the depths of Omar Epps’ deep, brown eyes, I sadly predict that this movie will actually be kind of good. It is directed by TV’s Rock. Sigh.
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“Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen”: Thankfully, the cosmos agreed 100% with me on this one. Observe: From Yahoo Movies: “When a New York City teenager from Greenwich Village, Lola, is forced to move to the New Jersery suburb of Dellwood, she finds that in her new school there is another girl, Carla Santini, who already has claim to the title of most popular girl that Lola had at her old school. Aiming to oust Carla from her reign, Lola sets her sights on nabbing the lead role in the next big school play (“Pygmalion”), which Carla also hopes to star in. As the two girls engage in a war for popularity, Carla lashes back at Lola by obtaining tickets to the sold-out “farewell concert” of Lola’s favorite band. Can Lola somehow sneak into the concert and quell Carla’s latest scheme, and at the same time meet the band’s English lead singer, Stu Wolff, whom she has such a crush on?”
Yes. Yes she can. And in doing so, it will make you want to gouge out your eyes with a small screwdriver very, very slowly, because the pain of gouging out your eyes with a small screwdriver very, very slowly is one million time less painful than being skull-fucked in a prison yard, which is one billion times less painful than watching this film.
“Eurotrip”: So there I am, receiving cunnilingus from half of the cast of Cirque de Soleil, when I have a psychic vision concerning the film, “Eurotrip.” I was so taken aback by what I saw that I kicked out my right leg, toppling a pyramid of French-Canadian contortionist off of the balcony of my villa. What I had seen in my vision was so utterly shocking that I was almost unable to climax: they make a movie making fun of European stereotypes and they don’t even represent Belgium? Why couldn’t there be some wacky hijinx at NATO headquarters or some zany haggling with the Turkish vendors at one of the many flea markets in Brussels? Whatever. Americans suck.
“Welcome to Moosepoint”: [Ed. note – Due to the extremely libelous nature of Madame de la Mort’s review of “Welcome to Moosepoint” an editorial decision has been made to not print the graphic, obscene and, most likely, fictitious illustrations that Madame de la Mort so eloquently wrote, charted and drew. We would like to apologize to Ray Romano, his mother, his sister if he has one, the entire network of CBS, most species of goats, the town of Roquefort, France and their amazing cheese, the man, whoever he is, that named the water buffalo, and to anyone out there who does not believe that the show “Everybody Loves Raymond,” should be renamed “Skull-F#!k Motherf%@king Raymond’s Gigantic F*%king #sshole with a Two-by-Four and a Large Motherf%$king Trout.” We, again, sincerely apologize.]