Competency Rating (divine): Every once in a while, a film comes along that thematically is so close to your own experience that you cannot help but empathize: for I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, this film has finally arrived, mon amis, and it is known as “The Passion of the Christ.”
Never before has a film captured the torturous burden of cinematic clairvoyance with such stirring intensity. Oh yes, and it is about Jesus, too. In fact, after watching this film I wished now that I had not turned down Mel Gibson’s pleas (as I smoked an after-sex cigarette after taking on him and Danny Glover), to star in the biopic of my own life tentatively entitled, “The Passion of Madame de la Mort: The Sultry Sympathetess.”
One may be wondering how a biopic of a devishly handsome she-beast such as myself may have differed from a biopic of our somewhat less attractive savior. So, my faithful readers, I will tell you. Where as the Jesus movie takes place during the last twelve hours of his life, I cannot die and seem to only grow more and more devastatingly beautiful by the day, the hour – by the very second.
In fact, every moment I continue to live I metaphorically absorb the beauty of one thousand Revlon models. Where the Jesus is graphically tortured for two-plus-hours by all sorts of Romans with different implements, my film portrays graphic sexuality with Romans with all sorts of different implements, not to mention cameos by Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, Betty Davis, Colin Ferrell, every member of Jefferson Airplane, Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson, a few different sets of twins (whom I believe are underwear models), three former presidents of the United States, twelve former Prime Ministers of France, Heidi Klum, Gandhi, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, anyone who has ever been in Cirque du Soleil, all of the Marx Brothers (including Zeppo), Raquel Welsh, The Who, Susan Sarandon, David Bowie, every single person who has been on “The Surreal Life” (except that rat Corey Feldman), Corey Haim, Corey Hart, James and Josh Brolin, Liza Minnelli, every Oompa Loompa and Ewok …
Wait a minute, my life is way more incredible than that Jesus’! Who am I kidding – you couldn’t make a life as incredibly gorgeous as mine into a mere two-hour epic! Oh no, we are talking about the most spine-tinglingly sexy 438-hour miniseries to ever be produced. And 438 hours of film would only be enough time to film the sex! Hmmm … I guess it is true what my old boy-toy John Lennon used to say: I am bigger than Jesus!
Your Movie Forecast for the weekend of 27 February 2004:
“The Passion of the Christ”: Seriously, I am much sexier than Jesus. I’m sure if he ever came back, he would agree.
“Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights”: Oh wait! I have a good idea. Let’s take a high-grossing film that has plenty of soundtrack potential and make a sequel to it! Oh wait. That’s already been done a million times over! And we can’t get Patrick Swayze because he is fat and old! Well, then why don’t we just take the name off of it and move it to Cuba and make the sequel to the most vacant soundtrack ever assembled …
“Twisted”: This movie has Ashley Judd in it and is about serial killers. Surprise, surprise. But seriously, I cannot get over how far more attractive I am than Jesus. On a scale of 1 to 10, I make Jesus look like an ugly one, where I am a divinely attractive ten, full of curves and legs that stretch to Saturn. It is just amazing, that’s all.