As a young girl in southern Belgium after World War II, I was introduced to Hollywood cinema at my small village퀌_s community theater. At the time, the European film industry had been completely decimated and we Belgians loved the Hollywood movie. I, a young girl with nothing to do, born to a father who had an unnatural love of French pastries and a mother who sold broken radio transistors to Turkish immigrants at the march퀏� on Sundays, realized my true calling at an early age, being so lucky. I realized I could see ahead, I could see the future, not for all, but only in Hollywood movies. The endings became so clear to me, even before they happened. I was always one step ahead of the plot points. I now bring my talent to you to help in selecting your movie-going pleasures.
Competence Rating: (10). Last week, I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, reigning movie psychic, correctly predicted the outcome of the Monsieur Jack Black comedy vehicle, 퀌�The School of Rock.퀌� I foresaw the inevitable conclusion of the Monsieur Rock having an epiphany that would lead him to becoming a music teacher at the end of the film. Unfortunately, I was led astray, (psychically that is), by the marketing machine of Paramount Pictures, which sent me faulty information concerning the romantic potentials of this film. While the press release stated that a certain Mademoiselle Sarah Silverman퀌_s character was the girlfriend of the Monsieur Black, this was, in fact, not accurate. She played the girlfriend of the Monsieur Black퀌_s ami, his friend! Of course, one, who may be named Madame Beignet de la Mort, cannot make a competent prediction from misinformation! This, of course, is no fault of mine. If one were to go to a competent psychic looking for their lost puppy and they were to tell this competent psychic that their lost puppy퀌_s name was Fran퀌�ois, when the puppy퀌_s real name was, in fact, Jean Luc, this competent psychic cannot then be held accountable for making a competent prediction upon the information that they have competently received. So that when they find a lost puppy named Fran퀌�ois is then not the fault of this psychic or the fault of a cinematic clairvoyant who has been duped by Paramount Pictures. That said, I will give myself a competence rating of 10, which is being the most accurate on a scale of 1-10.
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YOUR MOVIE FORECAST FOR THE WEEKEND OF 10 OCTOBER 2003:
Kill Bill Vol. 1퀌�: This is the new movie by Monsieur Quentin Tarantino, whom the Belgians adore the way the French adore Jerry Lewis. I predict this film will be graphically violent. Yes, I am seeing many things, mostly limbs, being severed. I predict Lucy Liu will cut the penis off of a man who questions her authority. And I see Uma Thurman killing a lot of people. And yes, I am seeing the ending of 퀌�Vol. 1.퀌� I foresee a situation upon where Uma Thurman, who is known in this movie as 퀌�the Bride퀌� and has not yet 퀌�killed Bill퀌� by any means, will get pregnant.
퀌�Intolerable Cruelty퀌�: I foresee this new film by the Brothers Coen will not disappoint their fan base, even though it is a bit more light-hearted than their usual fare. I see Monsieur Clooney basically playing the same role that he did in the Coen퀌_s 퀌�O Brother, Where Art Thou?퀌� except that he is a lawyer in a modern setting and he cares about his teeth instead of his hair. I foresee this movie as an homage to the battle-of-the-sexes comedies of the 1940s and �50s, yet with a bit of a twist. Yes, I see what begins with the standard fluff is turned on its head as the battle of the sexes actually becomes a battle, and Monsieur Clooney and Madame Zeta-Jones actually try to draw blood from one another. Yes, and I see Billy Bob Thornton having, yes, something to do with the violence. But, as I foresee, of course, in the end their undeniable attraction wins out over their blood lust.
퀌�The House of the Dead퀌�: This piece of merde is based on a video game. I foresee strong violence, one scene of female nudity and a lot of bad jokes. I foresee the zombies not being scary at all and the only fright in this film coming from badly choreographed moments when something jumps out of the dark, while trying to pass this off as suspense. Yes, everyone will die on this poorly named island, 퀌�Isla del Morte,퀌� except for two women 퀌_ and yes, I see their characters퀌_ names: Alicia and Karma. One may save their $8 and spend an evening being more frightened by putting cr퀌�pes into their blender.