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Web sites for the lonely and looking

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Illustration by Lydia Wojack-West

Oh god, you’re so horny. Ohhhh soooo horny. Yeah, baby. But you’re by yourself! And you don’t want to actually get up and go to a bar or fabricate a “chance” encounter somewhere. Also, cranking your hog or ringing the devil’s doorbell isn’t fun anymore.

Damn, what are you going to do?

Might I suggest the internet?

Thanks to the magic of the internet you are now able to, well, you know what. You already know what’s up. Let’s do the thing.

WARNING: HETERO CONTENT
These are mostly for the straight folks out there, so don’t expect to get you a hot twink here unless he’s on the DL.

Farmers Only / http://www.farmersonly.com
According to the commercials, you don’t have to be lonely with farmers only dot com, which begs the question: Does farming making you antisocial or something? Or are farmers too good for OKCupid? Anyway, I’ve heard good things. Log on and say “hay.”

Christian Mingle / http://www.christianmingle.com
Want to live a life where your Saturday night is full of “oh god, yes, oh god, yes” and your Sunday is full of embarrassed blushing as you recall the blessed union wherein you used His name in vain, you sinner? It’s cool, we’re all sinners, right? Log on and say “pray.”

CLICK FOR DICK
Male-identified dudes might wanna hop on here for a good M4M time. Have a facepic, please. No pic, no chat. I said please, so get off my nuts…or on them 😉 😉 😉

Bear411 / http://www.bear411.com
FatBehrDick4u is a hot web programmer bear living in your city. He totally knows the owner of “B411” as “the bears” know the website, but he apparently hasn’t brought himself to tell said owner that the layout is the worst. Log on and say “woof.”

Manhunt / http://www.manhunt.net
ENDLESS STREAMS OF JIZZ FLYING IN EVERY DIRECTION. Log on and practice your breathing.

Realjock / http://realjock.com
ENDLESS BALLS FLYING AT YOUR FACE. Five hundred dudes on recreational volleyball and rugby teams want you to know how masc4masc they are. Log on and say “bro.”

W4W
“Ugh, there aren’t many REAL dating sites for women who are lusty for a W4W (or W4WW or WW4WW, etc.)!”

I know, gentle reader, I know. But there are cool apps, and I’m not going to let male-identified folks that might not be on the up and up horn in on ya.

FUN FOR EVERYONE
Let’s just let everyone in on the fun. These websites cater to just about any combination legally permissible.

OKCupid http://okcupid.com
Remember when you took those quizzes that asked what type of lover you were? Well, OKCupid is a dating site and those quizzes were total bullshit. And the site does have a slight fedora infestation, but that’s okay because it’s awesome anyway. Log on and say “r u in my city?”

Match.com / http://match.com
Those smooth grandpa ads enticed enough queer folk to get him to let us on his webpage, so everyone is welcome. There’s some kind of science involved, and I’m pretty sure their advanced booty matrix bodes well for you. Log on and say “an + bn = cn”

Ashley Madison / http://ashleymadison.com
I’m gonna bang your husband. You’re gonna bang your neighbor’s wife. It’s all classy and above board “alternate arrangements.” You might not want to log on here if you’re a politician, but then again you might. Log on and say, “it’s not cheating if they’re both your boyfriend.”

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