Donald Trump officially became a former president on Jan. 20, 2021. The House of Representatives has already impeached him, and if the Senate votes to convict him, he may be prevented from running for office ever again. What will this post-Trump era look like? Who will step up to fill the Trump-sized hole in conservative politics? Most importantly, what will Twitter look like now that Trump’s account is gone?
Using my profound powers of prediction and political analysis, I’d like to take you on a journey of wild speculation about what the next four years will look like without Trump in the Oval Office. “But Nick,” you might ask, “shouldn’t we stop giving Trump our full political attention, and move on to building a better world in his absence?” To which I say, sure, but this is funnier. Here’s a preview of what news in the post-Trump era might look like.
- Following the inauguration of President Joe Biden, Trump forms his own media network, the Trump Channel. Its programming consists entirely of Trump unloading his Twitter drafts folder into a teleprompter, forcing his news anchors to read them aloud in a serious news voice.
- Twitter becomes 70% quieter overnight. Many try to pick up the mantle of the new “Trump” account, but none succeed. Rudy Guiliani attempts to come up with a new “covfefe” and ends up accidentally posting a link to the Bee Movie script.
- Congressional Republicans introduce impeachment articles against Biden every week for four years. It eventually becomes somewhat of a tradition, with “Impeachment Wednesday” parties serving pizza and drinks every week.
- While giving the 2022 State of the Union address, Biden falls asleep while standing at the lectern. No one notices, having tuned out 30 minutes ago.
- Leftists, fully unburdened from the threat of a Trump reelection, begin aggressively pressuring Biden to move left on key issues. The discourse soon devolves into a war between the neo-Trotskyists and market socialists, and criticisms of the Biden administration are soon forgotten.
- Democrats unveil a new coronavirus stimulus package, promising “$2000 sum total relief over the duration of the pandemic.” Congressional leadership quickly clarifies this includes the $600 payments from December as well as the original $1200 check from the CARES Act, stating the new checks will total $200. Democrats claim this was obvious from the start, and if you misinterpreted it you are likely brain-dead, you big dum-dum.
- The IRS puts out a memo to everyone who received congressional aid, reminding them they will have to pay back the relief with interest on their 2022 tax return.
- Without Trump’s Twitter account to reply to, Jeff Tiedrich loses purpose in life. He decides to read a book, maybe, or picks up a new hobby. When he falls asleep, you can still hear him mumble sometimes, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s.”
- Sarah Cooper runs out of Trump material to lip-sync and decides to lip-sync Biden speeches instead. No one cares.
- Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg enthusiastically volunteers to be designated survivor at every major event, hoping to one day leapfrog the line of succession to the presidency.
- The COVID-19 pandemic is finally defeated after 90% of the population is vaccinated, slowing the spread of the virus to a halt. There is little time to celebrate, as an unrelated avian flu begins to rip through the world immediately after.
- The Sunrise Movement hosts a sit-in at the White House demanding a Green New Deal. Biden walks out of the Oval Office and says to the youth activists, “Listen, Jack, this climate stuff is so…come on, man, give me a break,” as he strolls briskly down the hall.
- A healthcare march is organized on the National Mall. Protesters hold signs that read, “Medical accessibility for all who qualify for a 2019 tax credit.” A chant breaks out in the crowd: “What do we want? Affordable and tax-deductible healthcare! When do we want it? Whenever it’s the least politically damaging!”
- Democrats lose both houses of Congress in the 2022 midterm elections. Rep. Adam Schiff is defeated by the Q Shaman, and Alex Jones takes Sen. Pat Toomey’s seat.
- In a desperate attempt to win the 2024 Republican primaries, Mike Pompeo, Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley simultaneously declare themselves to be Q.
- In a surprise turn of events, Flaming Ball of White-Hot Rage secures the 2024 Republican nomination. It chooses Mike Pence as its running mate.
- Biden decides not to seek reelection, instead anointing Pete Buttigieg as his successor. “I just love that kid,” he says.
- As the Democratic primary begins, Buttigieg declares himself the winner in Iowa before the voting starts.
You can fill in the rest with your imagination. Will things get better in the next four years? Maybe. Will they get horrifically, irreversibly worse? Also possible. Remember, these are just predictions; we always have the power to change things. Maybe we’ll look back on all this in four years and laugh. It’s up to us whether that laughter is accompanied by tears.
